even my pocket's crying

came upon an article bout 7 reasons to cry. cuz i juz really needed 1 reason to make me cry. juz suddenly felt all these emotions pile up in me juz cuz i expected too much mayb... i feel like a spoilt brat! cuz im craving for more attention from dat 1 person. haiz. too emo.

so i went to look for reasons to cry. 1 of the 7 reasons,

Tears release feelings.

Even if you haven’t just been through something traumatic or are severely depressed, the average Joe goes through his day accumulating conflicts and resentments. Sometimes they gather inside the limbic system of the brain and in certain corners of the heart. Crying is cathartic. It lets the devils out before they wreak all kind of havoc with the nervous and cardiovascular systems. Writes John Bradshaw in his bestseller “Home Coming”: “All these feelings need to be felt. We need to stomp and storm; to sob and cry; to perspire and tremble.” Amen, Brother Bradford!

n this was gd enuff for me. enuff to tell me its ok to cry n im not crazy. =D

i think im better now, thanks article!

~Cavatina the perfect song for tears~

Queen of "Scrapping Through"

my babie ask me y i stopped blogging. hahaha! lazy + no time. however, i did think of a topic to blog about.

i juz realised im the Queen of "Scrapping Through".

yes i noe i hav so many things on my hands, doing so many things at once. besides being good at scrapping through things, i think its also cuz im lucky yes? i always JUST NICE make the mark. so everything i do is juz 0.1% above average.

nothing to b happy about yes? OH. dat makes me 'Jane-of-a-few-trades'! master of non. ah wadeva. im juz glad dat im given countless SURPRISING opportunities. haven even closed 1 door another opens. im super greedy! i wan all!

so in 2010...

1 degree, 1 diploma, 1 cert, 4 jobs. ALL at once!

all hail Jane-of-a-few-trades (master of non) aka Queen of "Scrapping Through"

~wish me luck!~

music > finance

no mood to study. xam is on tue n thurs. dun seem to hav studied anything for any of the papers. SO dead.

hav this sudden need to get my grade 8 theory n diploma done asap lor.

if u wake up thinking "this is wad i wan to be! this is wad im going to do!" does it really mean im really going to stick to dat..? does it mean dats my fate? i really dun mind. juz dun wan to havta change my mind later on. n i cant wait to get out of sch n start working towards dat. AHH!!? im studying finance for fun. -.-" hahahahahaha. shit. waste of time n money.

oh well. lets see where all these brings me.

~im afraid, but i gotta pursue wad i think is right for me~

cant stand it animore

once again i hate to b in the middle.

cuz everything is both rite n wrong.

mayb i shldnt hav said it 2dae cuz its my papa's bdae. but wun it b worst if he didnt noe wad his own son did? i wun wan other ppl to noe wad my kid did n not tell me leh... although its true my papa hav alot on his mind. but i still think he shld noe leh. haiz.

haiz. y he dun learn leh? how to teach him? y he liddat leh?! haiz...

~someone help him~

hey mambo!

be careful of wad u sae. cuz if ur going to sae something, n not remember wad u said after, its juz empty promises, false hopes, n a big bunch of lies. i wouldnt wan to work for someone like dat. cuz as a leader, u shld realise dat once u lose someone's trust, u havta work ten times as hard to get it back, n even if u do, it'll nv b the same again.

i shld get to studying.

damn tired.

tml is working day again.

how to study liddat. FAIL liao. haiz.

~mambo italiano!~

me n u

its so dumb. u sae u wan to noe someone BUT u dun wan to meet the person. this means ur not sincere in wanting to noe the person wad. u juz sae for the sake of saying it. or juz sae things for the sake of 'stalling' ppl's lives. u dun even noe wad ur saying la. bloody hell. so damn irritated by ur nonsense. if u dun wan to noe dun pretend u wan to. wad stupid thing am i suppose to 交代？

i hate this. bloody hell. always in the middle of everything. it sux! y?! y am i always stuck between 2 like poles? cuz the 2 sides im between always repels each other. WHY. hate this. stupid shit.

i wan to get out of this place.

~far awayy~

eww

argh. stupid template. i will nv hav the time to get to doing a new blogskin. so this shall be IT.

~yucks~

no success yet

update after so long will b in a form of a complaint. HAHAHA. juz need this little space to vent.

cant believe after i've been wif my babie for 1yr+ my papa thinks i duno who he is. gawd. he duno doesnt mean i duno. always ask me to not go out so often wif him la, dun go over to his place, of course i wun noe who he is la! go jogging only muz make so much noise. really dun understand. too free liao. haiz. u wan to care about ur family this is too much le lor. every single thing also wan to nag. i dun even like to stay at hm lor pls. always find things to nag about. still havta hold 'meetings' to talk about my babie. think about it. ppl already noe how much u dun like them. y would they wan to meet u? u urself said u duno him. den y the hell u make so many assumptions? its not fair lor.

always asking me wad kind of life i wan to lead. simple. happy. ya may b naive. but definitely wun wan such terrible communication like THIS. yaya so wad if i cant live the life i hav. its my life n i will work it out. if i cant its my prob cuz i wun listen to u. i understand the terms n conditions n consequences to a certain extent. for now dat shld b sufficient.

~the weather is against me~

alienation

whens my break? my life is so bz! muz learn to fly to get arnd faster.

HAIZ. lost all mood in blogging 'flying' arnd liddat everyday.

hahaha! at least i hav my boy to fly wif me sometimes. =)

~thanks sweetie!~

the thai bug in me

Kid Teung Chun Mai Way Lah Tee Ter...

sometimes its just not enuff!

~taxi~

how i feel

121008

~says it all~

rollercoaster june

haven been updating for SO long.

finally met up wif alicia, teeyan, yaomin ytd. hahaha! last time i saw teeyan n yaomin was.. probably 7-8yrs ago. lols! so much to talk about! v interesting. really. the similarities is quite shocking. HAHAHA. chat bout so many random stuffs! n our dinner at chompchomp. the guys went to get food. LOADS of food. den yaomin brought us to this dessert place. so pretty! n i had this durian mousse. OMG...damn niceeeeee!!!!!

den i went to meet up wif my boyboy. watched ice age. LOLS. so cute. however short the time we had 2gether may be, its better than non ok!

so. bz life now. i tot my hols were going to b super boring. but turns out its really quite productive i would sae. or rather, it will be quite productive. hahaha! yay! work work n more work n get to meet up wif all my (long lost) frens! =D lols.

shld totally meet up more often.

cant wait to achieve wad i've set out for. u noe how sometimes u wan to do something juz to prove u can do it? this is MY time. yay!

~competitor's help~

jinx

oh i jinxed it. i didnt noe u cant sae u'll hav a gd time till u've had a gd time. wadeva.

~i dreamt of a terrible storm~

expanded

slp at 3. kena woken up 3 times la! sucky. my papa woke me up 1st. shout n shout ask me whether im going out. im still in bed lor. he tot im in the toilet. dat was my kor preparing to go to work la! den he told my kor to go to work himself. n sae he wake up so late wad v slow..-.-" i was thinking. cuz u fetch him everyday he assume u'd do the same 2dae so he prepare at that time is correct wad. so late den tell him go work himself. den he havta rush n still b late lor. how can liddat. he think public transport so fast de meh? tsktsktsk. haiz. aniwaes i fell back to slp.

den! my didi came n nag at me ask me wake up. I DUNO Y. totally ignored him n slp again. hate it when hes at hm. always like to ask me to wake up. crazy de.

den! my mama came. sae "i tot u hav class at 9? u dun need to go to work 2dae meh? i tot ur papa sae u hav work at 9?" wa lau. diao. im like damn tired liao la. 8+ all making so much noise. power.

den! eh this is no. 4 liao hor. aniwaes. i emailed this guy for some job thing at er 2am? i think. den some farnie number called me. i saw a lot of 7s. den i sian dun care. den received an sms. the guy ask me to go for interview at 5pm. 10+ liao lor. wa so tired. v grumpy 2dae liao. hardly slpt 6hrs they making so much noise.

but im going to b having a nice long dae wif my boyboy rite?! YES I AM. plus the interview is going to go fine. den my jazz teacher is going to kill me cuz im going to havta change the class AGAIN. for the millionth time. BUDDEN AGAIN... dat dae when i walked out of class another teacher ask him something like whether the lesson he had was v relaxed ah. apparently i think it shld b la. since my teacher can juz dump anithing at me n walk out of the class for like 15mins n he come back i can play liao. AHAHA. but i love the songs he gives me! bossaaa!! i looovee.. n i get to play wif the electronic piano also. anihow press the sounds. HAHAHA.

which also mean i'll b "moonlighting". ahahaha! n i'll b working everyday. i noe i sure complain de. provided i hav time to complain. WA SO TIRING LA. work everyday leh! kns. damn sian la. wake up so early somemore. den sat n sun canot rest. wa lau eh. n not sae the pay v high ah. AHAHAHA. i see it coming man! but its juz till end of june i think. n i might juz b working wif my ah mei! den can meet up wif my laogong somemore. LOLS. probably can meet up wif vivz also. eve n ric also. all working ppl arnd that area lor. wow. lunch n after work will b the only time i'll b looking forward to.

i flipped through my folder wif my resume n all the certs. more than half of it is music related. HAHAHA!

OO. that guy we saw dat dae is shawn chen leh boyboy! lols!

i wan to jam again.......... we havta make up for the 1whole mth we didnt jam! my wonderful nameless band.

OO! NYC Bagel Factory's bagel chips is DAMN NICE. but i think only the cinnamon n raisins one is nice. unless u really love garlic then.. try the garlic one. v addicted to the cinnamon n raisins one. hahaha! V NICE! yummmie! n its a local product somemore lor! hahaha!

~interview@5~

history updates

ahh. hav not blogged for so long. many super outdated things to update. AHAHAHA!

Macritchie: got stalked by monkey cuz i was holding subway cookies. OMG. stupid monkey. literally followed the cookie. stood right in front of me hopping arnd n i freaked out really really freaked out. HAHAHAHA. STUPID MONKEY. scare me. idiot.

Exams: crappy. nv was able to mug so hard for so long EVA. poly life was too easy going for me. okok nono. i was too slack in poly. HAHAHA. however..that mugging...didnt seem to really pay off? we shall see...

Work: generally..its going great. juz dread having to go through the whole dae in a v cold place. n i hate when im hungry in the middle of class...=( my stomach has failed me..failed in controlling its loud noises. n yes my students heard my terrible growling stomach. haiz.

y always hungry at the wrong time. IM HUNGRY NOW..-.-"

Bdae: ah. 1wk b4 my xams. tsk! haiz. i hav pics! my boy gave me a bracelet! wif a cute bearbear. its arms n legs r movable. LOLS. so cute. HAHAHA. he brought me to the restaurant i always wanted to go. indulgez? is dat how u spell it..? lols! only noe i wan to try to food. duno how to spell the name. HAHAHA! he got the waiter to surprise me wif a bdae cake. HAHAHA! i was stunned. speechless n duno how to react. HAHAHA. all i noe is..the cake taste v nice lor!!! =x thanks boyboy! muamuacks! love uuuu! den we went esplanade to walk walk. i noe i got quite moody.. its juz the exam stress ba. sorry boyboy..not dat i dun like wad u did for me..juz dat it was really v sucky lor. damn scared i canot finish studying. but now xams over le mah! YAY! muamuacks!

my dear laogong n ah mei gave me a watch! V PRETTY! THANKS! =D we only had the 'celebration', mine n ah mei's on the 6th. LOLS. talk about belated... n our dear laogong sae she going toilet. end up ran into the restaurant wif 2 small cakes. LOLS. for her lao pos. HAHAHA. so sweet! muacks!

eve ric vivz n boyboy treat me to dinner. b4 my bdae. LOLS! at carnivore @ vivo. hahaha! I LOVE THE PINEAPPLE! its damn yummie...ahh. growling stomach. hahahaha! thanks guys! i noe its v late ah. but still..thanks!

n vivz gave me a sunflower! v pretty. its still on my table. dried..but on my table. hahaha! thanks vivz!

Randoms: i wan to learn how to sing! i wan to learn jazz vocals. all the runs they do.. twist n turns.. they sound soooooooo yummie! i wan to learn it v badly. n i wan to quickly finish up my jazz piano. tsk haiz. havta wait another yr b4 i finish the abrsm jazz syllabus.

cant decide whether i shld quit my job after the contract is over. haiz. i cant stand the thought of not having that amt of money come into my bank every mth. cant stand the thought of taking money from my parents. its almost..IMPOSSIBLE to get money from them quietly.

OKKKKK.

i had this terrible dream.. or as stated on fb.. im not sure if it will b better described as a nightmare. considering i woke up crying n heartbroken.. it probably is more of a nightmare rite? yes boyboy i didnt tell u directly cuz im really afraid that nightmare might come true or i might juz cry thinking bout it. ITS THE HORMONES. i think. haiz. the thought of the details of the dream is wad caused my "outer space" look these few daes. HAHAHAHA. i cant help it. it scares me.

haven blogged for SO LONG. i really duno wad i missed out. TOO MUCH i noe. but its late. i shall update another dae. my boyboy needs to slp!

~baby..i love u~

troublesomeness

had been a long not so pleasant day.

woke up to mama's super angry voice n then..caning sounds. i HATE and TOTALLY CANOT STAND that kind of sound. i duno y but i used to start crying when i hear it even though im not the one getting it. HAHAHAHA. so now i juz block my ears as much as i can. n theres 1 thing i can never understand. my neighbour's mama said it so damn often n 2dae i heard my mama said it. i can never understand y they whack more cuz the child cry n while they whack they ask the child to stop crying..!? I DUN GET IT. am i going to get dat insane as well..? i really hope not.....REALLY. but then again..i cant stand the sound i dun even think i'd b able to do it. i'll end up crying. HAHAHA. imagine dat. LOLS

den dat plus my papa shouted at me to pack my clothes when i was already folding them...-.-" juz cuz he n my mama fought. WAD nothing to shout about muz come n shout at me?! I JUZ WOKE UP LA. in one of the most irritating ways. thanks lor. made me wan to juz change n get out of the hse. but..dun hav dat much courage ah. think only.

then work. kept thinking how much time im wasting there. i cant study!!! =( so i made my students practice n practice while i TRY to read a few lines from my txtbk. obviously that failed. cuz they will lose count la or play wrong note den it triggers my ears. den my very natrual reaction is to sae "EH check ur left/right hand.. something is not right ah." or "F sharp!! B flat!!" or things like.. "ur counts ah. count properly". or "read the notes carefully dun juz anihow play ok. if it sounds wrong check again." HAHAHAHA. how to study liddat. =

den comes the replacement lessons i havta make for my students juz cuz i screwed something up. AH. dun even wan to mention it. IT SUX. damn.

on a random note. my student searched for me on facebk. LOLS. my sec 1 boy ask me if i hav facebk. i said ya n he said no wonder he found my name. -.-" HAHAHA.

n sooo..my long long day ends i juz got a little too cranky n sorta unknowingly vent my frustrations on mr.l. im sorrie i shldnt hav done dat... i didnt mean it. haiz. i think i better do some anger/stress management esp now dat everything is so crammed up. b4 i kill someone. hahahahahaha!

pray for a better tml. n an excellent monday nite. n a great thursday nite. n a nice 16apr. n a wonderful wonderful 17apr. and hope the nx 2wks after dat breezes through wif no stress.

then comes 9may probably? watch the last show of tian leng?! PLSSSSSSSSS!!!

~snap ur fingers~

im still sane enuff

something crossed my mind. probably the pain will overpower the other pain. cuz its so xin ku. its damn bloody xin ku. i dun wan to give in juz cuz it'll b much easier. im damn tempted to really. right now really i am damn tempted to.

chunz...kill me now pls. lols.

it sux this sux everything sux.

i shldnt b thinking of anithing but xams! how can i think of this now?! NO ITS WRONG ALL WRONG. GO AWAYYYYY AHHHHH!!! ya rite like dats going to help...

its more diff than i tot it was. its more diff than u think it is for me.

~WHY?? y isit so difficult this time?? WHY??~

SOOO CLOSE

chocolate is a sin...

n im lost for words. im still wif the "IF ONLY" part.

~almost~

oh slpy ZZZ

y does it seem like ur desperately trying to PROVE urself? im sure u noe wad a terrible monster u r inside. forget it man. u can cheat other ppl but u cant cheat me. at least not again.

watched more movies! Knowing and Echelon Conspiracy. Also watched Shopaholic. Knowing is almost like Final Destination meets..some movie wif alien spaceship thingy and the world coming to an end. cant think any movies now. lols. Echelon Conspiracy is the typical..we build computers so smart it tries to take over the world kinda thing. lols! Shopaholic is juz plain bimbo movie thing. hahaha! fun to watch. lols!

instead of studying..im watching movies. how excellent. watch until so slpy.

omg im in deep shit. haiz.

~gimmie a break!~

the hidden

exams! coming le. shit man. haiz. theres so much to catch up wif. n i still haven found my motivation.
its amazing how u dun find wad u did terribly disgusting and wrong. mayb u do.
had a super long chat wif mr.l ytd nite. for at least 2hrs we sat outside my place discussing bout the rs. suddenly realised im really quite screwed up now compared to long ago.
it juz gets me VERY ARGH..ANGRY at u.
ahh i hav my txtbk open in front of me. my fav txtbk. cuz it looks like a story bk. however its so boring to read..its so dry...-.-" no dun ask me to pour water on my bk. its not going to help lor. my aim is to study 3 topics 2dae. HAHAHA. so farnie rite. LOLS.
n tempt me to do something damn childish. but im not going to sink to ur level.
omg im studying religions wad protestants n catholic or wadeva la! ahhh! this is management leh! y am i studying dat?! i catch no ball...='(
at least u noe how to keep ur distance. omg how u've wasted my life away.
hav u ever suddenly realised something n then get super emotional over it. like super sad or super angry or something. u noe the thing is there for so long.. but u juz didnt see it cuz u kept brushing it aside for wadeva reasons. den when it suddenly became SO CLEAR.. its like the volcano erupting. *BOOOOM!!!*
im amazed at how i even not see it when its so obvious. love is blind?!
we tried to come up wif a band name ytd!! yeah! er. no we still haven got one la. omg super love jamming. ytd jamming was really damn fun. budden nx wk no jamming again. =( haiz. xams coming. sucky la. how to hav jamming. so sucky...
omg i think its juz me being damn stupid.
i dun wan to let anything affect me. i wish i can delete things away from my life. tsk. sometimes i feel like bursting into tears. running away. but go where? run where? HAIZ. it sux man. it all sux.
i had my instincts bugging at me for so long but i kept brushing it aside.
juz watched a movie recently. its called "I just can't think straight". its like L word la. all those lesbian love.
omg amazing grace. HAHAHA! enuff of this unforgivable n unforgettable shit.
such a crappy post. too many things on my mind le. hahaha!
go to hell for all i care. SHIT U.

~strawberry shortcake & blueberry pie~

they love..LOVE the objects

Objectum Sexuals

this is something really interesting i came across while trying to b less bored by visiting i-am-bored. my usual webbie visiting routine. i nv knew ppl can fall in love wif objects like how ppl fall in love wif each other. they even claim they made love to those objects.....like the eiffel tower. a woman is married to the eiffel tower. omg. im speechless. really surprised didnt think theres such things going on in the world.

yes i do love my andre a lot but not to that extent. hahaha! im not an objectum sexual! i do not slp wif my keyboard. LOLS.

shld juz look at they way they LOOK at the objects. see the way they touch..hug..kiss..describe their loved ones. they juz look so serious so intense. really interesting. can go watch it on youtube. "Married to the Eiffel Tower" - Objectum Sexuals

oh no i think i contracted a deadly disease. RTD. retail therapy disease. keep buying nonsense stuff dun even bother bout the value. HAHAHA. its deadly!! if i continue i'll b broke..no money = no food. hahaha!

~R.T.D~

new, love, lost

hav not met alicia for such a long long time!! i think the last time we met was....at least 6yrs le ba. since sec 1 or 2. knew each other in pri sch but didnt really talk to each other. we only spoke to each other cuz we ended up in the same tution class in sec sch. after dat we juz didnt meet up animore. i think we did talk to each other for a while ba.

so we went out 2dae. wow shes this pretty chic now la. lols! slim down a lot le somemore! her endless interesting stories. lols! super fun to talk to her. we had dinner at xin wang. ah we met at yck station. lols! so qiao. wore the same colour somemore. hahaha! nice to catch up wif long lost fren. lols. =D

so my bz schedule for the nx few daes. this wk really interesting ah. dun need go hm for dinner le. hahaha! tml meeting up wif candy n sy. will b wif dear cuzzie b4 dat. den thurs will b going out wif vivz. mite b the whole dae somemore. lols. den fri jamming. YAY finally. hahaha.

im finally off on a SATURDAY! WOOOO. so rare. but i havta spend it studying. most likely..='( *SOB.SOB*

ever feel like a part of u is seperating from u n ur trying v hard to pull it back? i keep having dat weird feeling. like mayb if i juz let that thing leave im going to give in..collapse n die. lols! so sucky. so so sucky.

~wish i could b as strong as u~

it could hav been...

it really could hav been another beautiful day. in fact it almost was.

back to my old naming system!

mr.l brought me to lunch 2dae at the chicken rice place at thomson. juz wanted to try their food there since they've been around for quite sometime. its quite disappointing though. after dat mr.l sent me to sch n even crashed my lec. something i've been wanting him to do for a long long time...cuz my lecs r juz sooo...boringg. n noone cares. hahaha. n since my dear finance lecturer really explains a little too much n makes this irritating sound thing..its a bad habit of his..i always automatically tune out from his wadeva..i taught mr.l theory. hahaha! im so devoted to teaching music la. lols.

after sch we couldnt decide where to go. so i ask mr.l to surprise me. so farnie he didnt understand wad i meant by dat at first. hahaha!! but he still did. brought me to changi beach. it was really really really wonderful. i love beaches.. wads more there were planes taking off as well. n staring into that big open sea with that cool salty winds blowing in my face..its as if it blew away all my worries. n the sky! oh the sky was beautiful! this delicate blend of blue n some purple n some orange n white. n the wind! the view and the wind..a moment of bliss..

den we went changi airport to hav dinner. we ate at fish&co. den we went to the viewing area thingy to see the planes take off. omg changi airport is so damn cold.. i took out my notes to study a bit bit while mr.l took a short nap. im a nice fren ok! i covered him wif my jacket so he wun b so cold. hahahahaha! wadeva la grace.

how sweet was 2dae? excellent rite? how many bf will bring ur gf arnd on a random dae to do all these things? but then again..we only juz frens now. but dat dun make it ani less beautiful than it can be..if only if only..if only everything was fine.

~...if only...~

bee, honey & stings

a love-hate relationship is in a way possible.

y shld we love bees? cuz it give us honey. assuming we all love honey dat is...
apply this in a rs: we love our other half cuz they love us back, they're sweet, golden, delicious. precious!

but y shld we hate bees? cuz they might sting us. n it hurts.
apply this in a rs: when something in the rs goes wrong, it hurts. esp something dats not juz forgivable easily. it hurts!

how bout being stung once, but u noe it'll heal wif time n u go back to where u were.
and the bee sting u again.
IT STILL HURTS yes?
mayb even more.

regardless..u dun hate honey rite? u still love the bees cuz it brings u honey. but to prevent urself from being stung..wad do u havta do?

go far away from bees. far far away. but dun forget to take wif u wad u hav. u tasted honey. u get to keep the memories u had when u were tasting the honey. leave wif the sweetness and let the bee stings heal.

~love+hate~

O.M.G.B.O.O.Z.E

yes as the title states. im baaaaack people! nono i guess this is juz a 1 time thing. farnie thing is i actually watched this vid bout alcoholics n crap man. i really am classified as an alcoholic. WHY. i dun drink dat often wad. at least not animore. juz this once in a while thing. juz super love the farnie feeling. *twinkling stars*

OO. he picked this pretty pretty nail polish colour for me! (pardon the horrible eng. cant think straight). OO prettty! love! hot pink. hahaha! im the piano teacher wif hot pink nails. HAHAHA. yes everything is so much farnier now. all smiles n luffter yes? yesssssssss. beautiful spinning world. u canot believe how many times i havta retype many of these sentences. hahahaahahah

~OH i loveeeee...jazz swings~

to you

dun tell me wad i wan to hear........n sometimes noeing is juz not enuff. honestly..this time for real i dun think i can trust u animore. i duno which part of wad u said is true n which part is a lie or how many more things u haven told me. its not juz the little thing dat matters here. dun miss out the big part of the picture. the trust issue this time is not bout u not trusting me. this time i dun trust u. i guess u'll juz havta find a way to make me trust u again. its not going to b that simple animore.

and u officially lost the priviledge of knowing everything.

n like i said. u need to wan it bad enuff. n dun do it for me. do it for urself.

also dun assume i'll b waiting for u. im not promising u anithing so dun assume. im juz saying its a possibility dat if u quit we could take a chance at it again. let me emphasize how its not a promise.

cuz i duno how a r/s can survive without trust.

no matter how bad it hurts this time im not giving in that easily animore. something in me has died.

~yesterday was our happy ending~

a fking bad joke

it was all a fking bad joke. how insignificant a last chance was..how insignificant I am to U. im allowed to swear considering im emotionally confused rite? i noe i nv do...but this is y the word "exceptions" was invented yes?

u promised, apologised a million times, n u done it again.

amazing how ytd can b such a beautiful day n the nx can b such a big pile of BS. it was suppose to b another beautiful day. im sure i was happy the whole dae. we even wore our couples shirt. we were suppose to hav dinner happily at ikea, n hav that romantic walk at pasir ris like u said. i was so damn fking excited when u said dat cuz u were being all romantic-y. it was suppose to b a beautiful day 2dae. WAS SUPPOSE TO.

WHY?! why muz ppl treat me this way?? y ask for another chance n screw it up? how many chances do u expect to get?! dun tell me things like 'u muz love me for who i am'. AHHHHHHH this is where i get really angry. how im actually shaking in anger. how dare u make this about me, raise ur voice at me when u brought all these upon urself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! y u do this to me? am i not worth it?! dun tell me i am when ur actions tell me otherwise. u noe wad. ya probably im not worth it. 4get it then. y waste ur time, effort n money?! for wad?!

i made it SO DAMN CLEAR b4 we were 2gether..n u promised. it went well for a while then fine u said u made a mistake. i gave u "one last chance" as u said. n u also said u noe wad to do if u did it again. is this last chance too easy to get?? try getting another last LAST chance then.

words. im relying so much on everything u said. TRUST is the word im emphasizing on.

im angry. angry wif how it all seems like a big fat joke dat i dun understand.

cigarettes more important than gf. canot live without it. gf..lose liao can find another one mah. better still go find one dat dun mind. den dun need to listen to all the nagging la..go through all the SUPER DIFFICULT pain of quitting n all this falling out shit. can mayb even smoke wif gf somemore. so gd rite? im not worth all the pain n the effort la. 4get it.

the ONE thing im so damn fking against. ONE THING.

~to all u jokers out there. HAHAHA. SO FARNIE RITE?~

day out wif my love!

AHH! excellent! finally had a nice day wif my deardear! after a v long time. hahaha!!

ooh. sat on deardear's dad's scooter 2dae. so smooth la! LOLS. can slp on that bike. felt damn stable. LOLS. but v bulky also. hmm.

if not for the gong gong me, we would hav had lunch at ikea todae! =( cuz i tot i hav jazz piano todae..haiz. so we had lunch at carls junior. hahaha. yummie yummie. but i still miss ikea! our damn cake. n meatballs..n chicken wings..ahhhhhhh =( but nvm. at least we got to go to vivz uncle shop to play arnd wif the instruments a bit.

we went to collect my cert! finally it arrived in spore. b4 i entered epistage i saw the photocopied certs pasted on the glass panel. 1st thing i saw...wa! distinction. wa! merit. den i saw grade 2. DEN i saw my name. YEAH! happy ah! promised myself i would go back to learn leh...wait till got money n time den sae ba.....

we went esplanade after dat. walk walk arnd n sat at the place where deardear gave me THE drumsticks. the ones dat deardear used to ask me to b HIS. hahaha! so nice. lols! but the thing is..everywhere else, people count stars in the sky..in spore we count cranes. juz stare across the esplanade. WA HOW TO COUNT HUH? so many! so colourful somemore! big n small also leh...

den there was a gig at 7 so we went to hav dinner at thai express. turns out dat it was The Goodfellas gig! WA. long time no see. didnt even noe it was them =X. love the vocals. they r pros man. v entertaining too. hahaha!

den we went inside esplanade. came across a jazz band, Gravy. cute name. hahaha! can see that the bassist was v into the songs. lols. i love jazz vocals..they're not bad but i think they r v..1 style fits all. not much variety in their songs. hmm. or mayb cuz we missed out half of the whole gig? duno. lols.

after esplanade we went marina barrage! ooooo. always wanted to go there wif my deardear! finally. hahaha! realise how we r wasting resources. the lights at the construction sites r so damn bright. tsktsktsk. the earth is going to die in 2012 if we continue living the way we do now. but whos going to do anithing? the earth is not juz 1 country...its COUNTRIES! gdness. haiz...sadness. we fed mosquitoes for a while n went hm le. ooo! i think i saw fireflies there. hahaha!

today has been a wonderful day! thanks deardear! love u loads! muamuacks! hope we can hav more daes liddat. hahaha. muamuacks!

~i wish upon a star~

perspectives

the only constant in life is change.

1 thing i need to learn to change. soon. to look at situations from diff angles. probably learn to get angry over certain issues instead of just brushing it aside. n stop getting angry over tiny issues. (yes dear i can see ur happily nodding ur head la. hahahahaha!! =p muamuacks!) angles angles angles!

im glad my sch isnt as far as i tot it was. i left hm at 8.30 n reached sch at 9.20. yay! tot i'd b late. econs lec always packed. tsktsktsk.

xams coming liao. AHHHH PANIC AH PANIC!

so lazy to start working on materials for GIL. this grp lesson thingy i hav wif my kids at cristofori. lols! its this sat la. damn. gd thing is IM OFF ON SUN! YES! =D

~cant wait to spend a whole dae wif u again~

flawed theory

study so many management theories. i noe when theories hav flaws, another theorist will try to improve it. chunz told me my shumz theory is flawed. lols! let me label dat as shumz theory #1.

posted in 2006, Shumz Theory #1 'most evilest of theories: "falling in love with person who comfort you after breakup" i've seen this theory work over n over again, shall not let it work on me! this theory shall b called Shumz Theory. hahaha!! lalala~'

i can safely sae dat doesnt work all the time of course. its juz MUCH EASIER to mistake the feeling as falling in love cuz that other person is there to comfort, bring cushion to ur heartbreak. not saying dat the r/s DEFINITELY wun work out cuz of course there is a possibility. juz like Hawthorne Studies figured. theres many more factors that can contribute to the issue. obviously.

hence i conclude, Shumz Theory #1. depending on many factors, u might just develop a strong feeling towards the one who comforts u after breakup. like in any r/s, the chemistry must b there. the X factor. cuz i noe wad its like to hav someone there, but no x factor, no chemistry. can get along v well! get along v well as frens.. n deep down u noe nothing more can happen beyond frenship. so tadah. less flawed now? its like a catch-all explanation. lols!

~dun bother looking for Shumz Theory 2-7~

my super breadman

tadah! =)

hope u'll always b as happy as..in the pic above.

sometimes its juz not worth it to waste ur own precious time being upset bout something u noe?

dun always ask me to not b sian..u shld tell urself dat more often! jiayou! b urself again k!

~aren't u cute!~

melted butter

As when the questions flutter

'round my head like butterflies

My head spins at reflecting on

Another love's demise, Ohhh

tiring. tiring to go to bed needing slp, n cant get any. so tiring.

wadeva u wan to call it. stress? it gets the better of me. esp when i hav 2 essays due SOOON. n i've spent too many daes trying to come up wif the 1st damn draft for 1 essay. n i hav so many things to juggle. im sure im not the only one. wad else can we do?! jiayou lor! wad else. haiz.

i miss choya..

i've come to love jamie cullum! i love his music. ahhhhh..makes me melt......

dug up some treasure, canot share ah!

~jazz..my love~

microblogging

nv thought it would turn out this way. nv thought a 7mth r/s could hurt as much as a 4yrs long r/s.

~i wanted it i got it. no complains~

chapter 4729618 of over-thinking

Shumz Theory #8
Insecurity

can be due to certain trust issues. n trust works 2 ways. either way can cause someone to feel insecure. yes? easily understooded yes? if u dun trust someone, u'll always fear that someone will do something behind ur back, run away, etc.
if that someone cant trust u, and u noe it, that someone might leave. y? y would u wan to stay wif someone u cant trust? UNLESS..

this insecurity comes from feeling inferior. EVEN THOUGH UR NOT. so its u being too "imaginative" or wadeva u wan to call it. putting that someone too high above u thinking ur "not worthy" crap.
however, im not saying this is untrue in certain circumstances. taking the extreme as an example, hmmm. someone who feels dat theres no hope in life, always thinking of commiting suicide, dun bother to care bout his own life, family, dun bother working hard at all.. and an independent woman?

of course if the guy gets motivated by that woman he sees and decides to change for the better, or...if the woman decides to change for the worse........who saes its not possible?

aniwaes. a confident man is always better. n i mean confident. not egoistic.

oh yes insecurity tires ur other half out, in short, it kills. sometimes, juz b confident, not only in urself, in ur other half as well.

of course im talking bout relationships here. isnt TOO many ppl in the world trying to b counsellors. hahaha! wad makes u think im different huh? no la. im juz stating the obvious. i rather stick by piano teaching.

next.
if u duno how to take care of urself, it makes me feel dat u wun noe how to take care of me either.

u noe how amazing piano teaching is?
its such a default feeling, juz like placing the accidental, natural, beside a note. it cancels the sharp OR flat effect! sharp being, gd happy things. flat being the opp.

teaching starts wif a neutral feeling, and then of course, i still get angry at those -.-" students, and happy cuz of some of my farnie students. LOLS. some of them really cute la!!

its that amazing. i nv thought i could put aside my feelings for anithing. till ytd. hahaha.

hav other theories to talk about actually but its not impt to anione else but myself. n im lazy now, like i always am.

hence..

~shall i give in to my belief?~

my !!!!!!!! brain

y? y? y?

am i so fierce to the extent its difficult to tell me things.
or do i look so weak dat i cant take facts..?

im stronger than u think..

wanted to blog bout some new theory but my mind is soooooooo !!!!!!!! now i cant think.
and im hungry
and i havta wake up early tml
i hav sch
and work
then work on sun
then sch on mon
then piano
sch on tue
then jamming
sch on wed
jazz on thurs
sch on fri
then...work n work..n sch n sch

OH y shld such crap come at such a time. OH HOLY CRAP......

~!!!!!!!!~

hate post

u noe wad? ur friggin lucky..

i feel like a bullseye. all arrows big n small always aiming at me. anitime, n EVERYwhere.

theres so much i wan to do but i cant. cuz ppl DUN LIKE ME TO. ppl A wans me to do this n ppl B wans me to do another thing. dun anione realise im juz listening to someone still? like nobody lets me hav a mind of my own. am i really allowing ppl to push me arnd?

i retreat into my own dream world cuz its where im safest mentally. its probably the reason y i dun get really really mad at ppl. HAHAHA. at least not yet. unless ur dat 1 suay person la.

u try to make everyone happy but its NEVER possible. cuz eventually SOMEONE, will STILL b unhappy even after getting wad he/she wans. so tiring trying to please ppl. but of course how can i treat myself terribly...

i immerse myself in my "zone".

sometimes theres no point caring so much bout anithing. the harder u try, the more u do, the more ppl expect of u. n u tire urself out. sure u can sae their smiles make u feel better...wait wad smiles..?? NO HAV AHH.

heres to everything..WADEVA

~mental case~

Thanks Vivz!

from my sweet fren vivz. lols. juz when im sian of staring at my project. GAWD...SCH..is so bleah. hahaha!

thanks vivz! =)

~riding the rodeo~

oh dear, what can the matter be?

imagine this: telling ur parent(s) theres these type of apple that taste very delicious.
ur parent(s) reply by saying "im very sure an apple is from a tree that grew from a tiny seed..which is how u shld b. u shldnt take up so many things now. u shld concentrate on ur studies. u shldnt always go out wif ur (boy)friend (they refer to my dear as my "fren" like always..). u shld spend more time studying not going out. other things that r not important juz drop them. u can pick them up again after uni..."

of course i wasnt talking bout apples, i was juz talking bout something else. they sae i dun talk to them. wad they dun realise is when i do, they end up nagging at me. which makes me not wan to talk to them. cuz whether or not i talk to them, they will nag at me. so wads the point? its not like they listen to wad i say aniwaes.

they care YES but they dun listen. they like to ASK a lot. they hear, but they dun listen. they can ask me the same thing a few times in the same dae. even when they write down my schedule to keep track of wad im doing everyday, they still ask me wad im doing. like when i sae i hav jamming on wed, they write down clearly i hav jamming on wed. n piano on mon. jazz on tue. they can ask me wad im doing on mon. or tue. or when im going out on mon..they will ask "where u going again??" of course they dun do it in a "i really am juz asking cuz i wan to noe" tone, they ask me in a "always go out nv stay home n study now go out again" kind of tone.

wad if i really do exactly wad they sae? stay hm n study ONLY n quit every they ask me to quit n go out only if i really havta. like going to sch...r they sure THEY will b happy? if they really will b..im speechless.

to them im better off without any frens at all. they keep comparing me wif wad they used to do MANY MANY yrs ago. i wonder if they had any frens. cuz im sure they did. den y r they trying to make me think im better off without frens? i dun get it at all.

y dun they live my life for me instead. i'll juz b their puppet. yes?

~utterly pissed~

in my dreams

too much of Li Sheng Jie's Zui Jing speaks of so much dats happening...

too much.

or mayb its juz me.

emo again. SUCH a rare...feeling

its nv a gd sign waking up crying bout some stupid dream. HAHAHA. NEVER!

yes i do realise dat im over blogging all of a sudden.

~tear drops on my pillow~

spirit of the rock, ghost of the pop, phantom of the opera

Found these quotes written on a post-it many many yrs ago. hahaha! how true it is...

Jealousy is like a poison that slowly spreads thru' the relationship before finally killing it.

Trust your partner; love has to have trust in it.

Love is also about honesty and a relationship where no honesty exists probably isn't worth it.

Clearing my table. finally. cuz i bought a printer. YES I BOUGHT A PRINTER. ITS 100% MINE. MUAHAHAHA. i've learnt that wadeva u wan, its fastest and best if u get it urself. waiting for others ar...u might nv see it lor. i'd probably need to start saving up for a piano then. HAHAHA! oh the number of yrs i've been asking for a new one... BAH..wasted.

~point of no return~