no shit

Blardy hell. My phone refuses to login to my new account. And I have an obscene amount of need to blog this..

I miss you. The you I had. I really do.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that. But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt that. Where's the sense in that? I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were.

But I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be.

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again. And I cause nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again. And if you live by the rules of 'its over' then I'm sure that that makes sense.

I'm in love, and always will be..

~you will think that i've moved on..~

this is goodbye

This blog comes and goes just as your disappearances. Waitibg till the day I'm done feeling like a 24 hour open store, life would be a little better.

I shall abandon this blog as it has abandoned me, coming back when it feels like.

Goodbye. I have moved. I am now thebrandiedcherry.

~over n over again~

unintended

Dear emo sai day. Please make things easier for me. Glad I have my kids. They give me high blood pressure but they can take away the pain for a moment.

You could be my unintended. Choice to live my life extended. You could be the one I'll always love. I'll be there as soon as can. But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.

~harder to breathe~

想念是会呼吸的痛

Long time since the last time I didn't give in to the monthly fluctuations of hormones.

The monthly issue always made me crazy. Made me want to cry when I think..

I'm surprised, I thought finally this time it'll come and go and I'm going to just be me.

I'm wrong.

Great. No, everything is not ok. If this is how you imagine it'd be, you've got it.

Here's me being ridiculous. This goldfish got to last the whole day tomorrow. 10am to gawd knows what time. It's a freakishly long day tomorrow.

I need to get to bed don't I.

~找不到一首能唱出心理的痛，只能和泪水等待明天，也许明天会更好~

babylicious

Note to self:

If you want a baby, you've got to work MUCH harder.

~mummy vibes? LOLS~

define hurt

Feeling of loss just comes and goes so often. Simply, these are consequences you live with. If you really want something, you would make sacrifices just to get to it. But if you're half-hearted, you don't get there halfway, because half-hearted measures brings you nowhere. I'm getting nowhere. How do you put your heart into doing something your heart hurts just to do it? It's just like trying to cut deeper and deeper into an open wound.

It's okay. It's all going to be okay. Somehow its for the best.

Some days I make it through, and then there's nights that never end
But still I have to say, I would do it all again, just want you to know.

~everything~

a movie a day

Everyday, living life as if it were a movie. If only I could skip to the ending, then we would all know what is really worth it.

I miss my piano.

Dose of adrenaline yesterday, thanks to Rec 2.

Great dose of fun and humor today, thanks to Kung Fu Panda 2!

Then an extra dose of 'a true story', thanks to Mary and Max. Interesting.

I'm sleepy.

Trying not to pack my current week. TOO busy.

Calling for another break again. Someone help me. Please.

~grey eyes~

3.33am

If only I can see how much I mean to you..
If only I can tell how special I am to you..

Or maybe I'm asking for the impossible.

So tired, really, feeling like such an idiot for feeling so much but see nothing on the other side of the tunnel. There is a faint light.

~candle light flickering~

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the high

I may be a little too high. But I had a flash back of our first kiss.

I miss..

~sobs~

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truth is..

I wish that was me. I wish I was there. I wish I felt it. I wish I'm feeling it. I wish I had it. I wish I was in it. I wish I didn't do that. I wish I didn't have to dream. I wish I wouldn't hurt. I wish I wouldn't bleed. I wish I couldn't feel. I wish I didn't go through all that. I wish I was perfect.

I wish I didn't need to wish.

I wish it was all different.

How did we end in such a position? Said the trainer on the stage. Diversification! That's the power of diversification.

What if it is not diversifiable?

How did I end in such a position? Nah things seem to be getting a little better now. I have less worries. Do I?

Looking at the training hall, how someone's passion and career can put hundreds to sleep. Poor guy. I wish I'd never need to talk music to a bunch of people who are nodding off.

I wished too much now the word 'wish' looks over-abused.

I wish I was a genius in music. So I wouldn't need to think so much about jamming later.

Snooze.

~wished~

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oh soooo pissed!

Can't stand that stupid ass! Omg friggin bugger. Why am I still meeting him? To shut his stupid ass up. He better leave me alone after. Blardy %$&*#! Why!? Why can't all these buggers just leave me alone. Stop friggin telling me good morning on FB, on sms, on whatsapp. Stop friggin telling me random things about your boring day and try to ask me to do things your way. Stop pretending you know me so well. Stop asking me to chat with you. Stop bugging me to meet you. Stop thinking it as a friggin DATE. I will NEVER go on a DATE with your bugger ass! You don't even know what a date is stop abusing the word!

I feel a need to PUNCH somebody right now.

Don't.Piss.Me.Off

~swat the flies!~

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needs

Can't believe how lonely and empty one can feel even when surrounded by people who cares. Can't believe its the first time in 6 years I feel so terribly alone during my birthday. Is it just the age getting to me? Tiredness?

Whole day of work to enjoy on my birthday. Great.

~why~

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it's past tense

'I know it's a little bit strange, it's all a little bit strange. At the end of the day, I'm going to say what I mean.'

It's hilarious cause I put things in code and now I can't figure out what it means.

~i was there~

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G. N. Humi

As the days go by
As the seasons change
I fear I can't keep up

~consequences of my own undoing, i fear~

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give me your reason why

When you're so used to making time and space out of your life for someone, it's hard to stop and fill your life, with just yourself. It has become so much of a conscious habit that kicking it actually hurts. This is how amazingly stupid human emotions can be.

Next up, packed week.

~baby you're a firework~

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hunger(s)

Detachment. Tiredness. Stress.

Comfort. Sleep. Relaxation.

Want. Need. Hope.

Pray. Do. Truly.

~its not always what it seems~

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wish i could blog in code

I don't know what I'd do if things go the way I imagine. Picture insanity. I may have started it all but its not any easier for me. I said I know what I'm doing because I really do. Only a stranger knows my ideal situation cause that's the best I can do besides dreaming, hoping and wishing that one day...

I wish I can stop being me for a while.

Most of all I wish I could go away one day. I have a date in mind but no place and no one to go with. I've never gone anywhere on my own. Such a tempting idea.

So much more. It's all there, a ball of emotion, not going anywhere. Maybe that's why it's so hard. But nobody said it was going to be easy.

~got to get myself back to the ground~

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BUS-ted

Every Saturday morning I have to curse at the damn bus. Today I blame the damn traffic light. If it turned a minute earlier I would have caught the bus. If there wasn't the damn yellow box, I would have caught the bus. Friggin hell I ran for the damn bus but the driver was busy looking out for traffic to cut into the yellow box. Friggin hell now I have to sit at the damn bus stop and wait for the next damn bus!

So irritated!!!

I love nail art, I think they are absolutely pretty. Really salute ladies who wear them 3D for weeks. It has barely been a week and I can't stand it. Its pretty, yes! But it gets in the way way too often! Washing my hair, washing the dishes, handwashing clothes, digging for stuff in my bag, when I play the piano etc. I can forsee this would be the first and last time I'd do my nails this way. Plain nails is simplicity, and simplicity is best. Sigh!

~great, the 'next' bus is CRAWLING on the roads~

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KILL!!

Correction. The blardy bus ride only took 10mins!!!!! Aaaahhhhh!!!! KILLKILLKILL!!!! I waited 34mins for a 10mins bus ride. Friggin hell stupid bus!!!!

~still wants to kill!~

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KILL!

Blardy pissed! Waited 34mins for the friggin bus! The journey only takes 20mins. Due to the stupid long wait I am damn friggin late! So damn pissed now! If I'm late for this class, extending the lesson would mean that I'll not have time for lunch. Damn this stupid bus! The next bus is only 12mins apart. Why in the hell I have to wait 34mins??

Angryyyy!!! KILLKILLKILL!!!!

~Kill.kIll.kiLl.kilL~

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read into these words

This song speaks EXACTLY about how I feel. TOTALLY.


"Hate That I Love You"
(feat. Ne-Yo)

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeah... Oh...

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you (as much as I need you)
That's how much I need you (oh..)
That's how much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so... 

~hate it~

blardy.FRIGGIN.hell

Why? Why when I bother to CARE whether everyone has enough food when NO ONE in the same damn family does the same for me?

Asked me if I'm going to have dinner at home. I said YES. I came home and SURPRISE! They said they finished all the food. There is only soup left. OH WOW. YES THANKS.

This isn't the first time.

The best part?

I went to buy cookies. 2 boxes that costs me $50+. Walked through the door, asked me why I'm carrying so many things. I said I bought cookies. Reply was, 'don't eat that kind of cookies'. LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF COOKIES I BOUGHT.

Do things for this family, not appreciated. NOT THE FIRST TIME.
Come home for dinner, nobody left anything. NOT THE FIRST TIME EITHER.

What kind of message do you think you're sending me?

%&%^#&!%&!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH PISSSEEDD!!!

~NOBODY. ME. NOBODY~

Best sunday of 2011 so far..

2nd of Jan is the best Sunday of 2011. Not just because it is the first Sunday of 2011, I had a pretty awesome day!

12.00am, was already at my babie's house. Slept till 3am, went airport to send my friend off.

Reached home around 5am, woke my babie at 10am, and slept till 11.55am.

Made a pizza containing tomato paste, spiced minced meat, mushrooms, salami, pineapples and 3 types of cheese. Then went on to slice kiwis. Peeling kiwis is damn fun! Forced my didi to use my method. Hahaha!!! Made avacado honey milkshake for everyone.

Finally had my lunch at around 3pm with the milkshake! Which was really good by the way!

Went to nap at around 4pm, got woken up by whatsapp, smses and calls at 530pm.

Met my friend for dinner at around 7pm, met babie around 8.

Bought Koi! And went to babie's place. Babie had the 2 slices of pizza I made.

Finally got home at 1215am.

How to beat such a fantastic Sunday? Especially when most of the other Sundays of 2011 will be spent working. =( SIGH...

~face it, it was awesome! <3~

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fantasy

I suddenly had a fantasy. It was to fire everyone in my life and run away to start all over again. I have no money and no idea how and where to run, but among all the shit it just looks so appealing.

So what if running away doesn't solve anything? I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together. Everyone wants a piece of me. Yes it is as bad as it sounds. But I wish it was as easy as being ripped apart by wolves. Cause I'm suppose to be handing out these pieces of myself to all who asks for it. What's left for me?

And suddenly I feel like I need a doctor to look into my brain. I need someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with me.

I'm just so tired I want to run away. Alone.

~run away~

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iTouch

What does it mean to dream of a terrible snake, crocodiles and a gunman either trying to kill or killed people. Having all these dreams recently and they all mean terrible things don't they?

Sitting in this training that I wouldn't say is boring but pretty much waste of time. Just want to get out of here. Ok at least they're now playing some music. Carrying Andre around just makes me want to play music!

Oh yay! Found a cute Smurf game on iTouch! Hope that will keep me entertained.

~the bochap-ness irritates~

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a little positivity

Today is one of the better weekends because I get to work from home instead of sitting at the studio till late. But I'm rushing really last minute work. Rushing tomorrow morning's lesson plan. Don't even have much idea what to do! Damnit.

Everyday is going to be a better day. After crying over some shit just 2 days go, things did pick up a little. And it only seems a little better because, it probably can't get any worse than it already was. Not that I have less to worry and stress over, I just have to learn to move on, take care of myself, and fight. And constnatly remind myself I friggin need to stop pinning certain hopes on certain people because everytime it goes the opposite of my expectations, I die a little inside.

Just because I seem like I can take care of myself, doesn't mean I don't need to be taken care off. Also doesn't mean I have the ability to take care of everyone else at the same time.

Just because I work 7 days a week, doesn't mean I'm anywhere near rich. I'm quite sure if I were to take up a proper full time office job, I'd probably earn a little more than what I'm earning now. But I'm not giving this up because I love teaching.

Guess it's not that crazy my lecturer quit his lawyer job to teach after all. He said he loves to teach. Crazy people like us, it's not all about the money. Maybe it's stupid. But it's my life, I'll screw it up my way.

~catch the sun~

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stare into my silence

What do you see when you look at me? I see too much I don't want to see, too much I don't want to remember. Too many times I asked 'what the hell is wrong with me', it's nothing short of a mystery. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do. Then I realise I'm looking into a mirror. Why have we grown to be the same? We retreat into ourselves till it seems there's nothing else in this world. This awful familiarity that maybe I should try to wake up from. I never felt a 100%. Part of me will always be somewhere else, out there. Emptiness. Dead. Silent. That is my split personality.

If I have to drag myself through this then maybe this is not for me. I see an opportunity, I feel it so often, but nothing in me is moving towards that direction. It's painful to talk about, hurts to think of. I am exhausted. Totally exhausted inside out but yet I trudge along to a pace as good as standing still. Every step of the way filled with doubt, I want to go, give up, disappear. But I'm still here, with my silence, thinking maybe, just a little longer, it will change.. just a little longer..

~snap out of it~

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summing up Sat morning

Left home a little late today, but got to my little kid's place on time. However, bus ride over was so fishy! Literally. Stinky.

Finally out of desperation and therefore guts, gave my namecard to her mum who was super friendly. But of course I was too late. Imagine this. Two weeks ago my kid gave me a pack of plasters given to her by Pru. Today I had the honour to write in a brand new notebook given to her by Pru. O.M.G.L.O.L.S.

GG-ed.

And then came the rumbling thunder. I hurried my little kid to listen so I could go cause I didn't have an umbrella and the threatening sounds of the thunder reminded me of the plentiful walks I need to take to get home. And my little kid ran to her mum announcing at the top of her lungs 'Mummy! Teacher Grace got no umbrella! Faster lend her! Faster!'

That's my little kid for you.

Gawd. I'm on fishy bus again. The fish must have swam out of the bag, leaving behind its own version of potpourri. Dried gut stains exuding fishy-death fragrance.

The whole of next week is action packed with non-stop working and no dinners till after 8pm. For now I'd agree with most of the normal human populationm 'yay it's the weekends!'. At least I'm just stuck in a freezer for most of these two days. And I miss my kids! So not too bad.

~wait, who am I again?~

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plurality

Panic!

I confess. I'm a dreamer. I dream of so many things big and small. But I don't think I ever had any of them coming true (Rarely maybe? Once in a purple moon?) So a 1% progress of a dream becoming a reality is just so exciting! All the things I have to get done comes in long lists in my head and I picture myself standing in my victory. OUR victory!!

Sure I've talked about it enough times to plenty of people. I really thought maybe when I was 50 I'd stand back and laugh at this NATO moment. No, I never knew I'd be so lucky to have someone pushing me, reminding me of a dream I can fulfill. WE can fulfill! So I can't dream anymore can I? It's time to be serious, to have a proper plan and resources, to step out of dreaming about it once in a while, it's time to grow up.

Now, to have a beginning, we have to have the picture of the end in our minds. Though the 'end' is nothing but a 'new beginning', these words simply symbolize the stages we'll be going through. Meanwhile, while we search for ways to take the first big step, I can still dream right? =)

The higher the hopes, the more painful the fall from failure. Let's all hope these words will not remain 'just words', but the introduction to a whole story of our lives, and a beautiful reality.

For once, they're not just my words anymore. They have become OURS.

Can you see how this doesn't just refer to a single issue, situation, plan, dream? Or maybe it's just me.

~plurality <3 ~

pigments

No I had a sucky weekend.

Shut up and go away.

~non troppo~

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rainrain go away though i don't want to work today

There's just something about this song. I really love it!

I am sailing
Stormy waters
To be near you
To be free

I am flying
I am flying
Like a bird
'Cross the sky

I am flying
Passing high clouds
To be near you
To be free

Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Through the dark night
Far away
I am dyin', forever tryin'
To be with you
Who can say

Rain cloud is following me around. Sigh..

~sailing~

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exam shit

Been too long since I last blogged!

On my way to work. Keep thinking about my revision. Wake up every morning and first thing I do is panic over my revision. If only I could take a couple of weeks off work. Seriously, why isn't this some sort of employee benefit thing. Damnit. And before I go to sleep at night I panic again. Excellence.

My wonderful ball of cuddley fluffy stinky fun, Princess, suddenly feels like she has to be spoon fed. Literally. And seeking so much attention, so much more than usual, as my exams are approaching. Another excellence.

I don't want to go to work. I had a little momentum going on just now and now I need to leave for work. Its not fair!

My hair is damn friggin messy. Irritating..

~crap life~

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tomorrow tomorrow!

Finally making my first trip to my favourite spot to mug. Exam is in 3 weeks time. Just nice 1 module per week. Ya as if that is ever going to happen.

This guy keeps looking at me whenever I look up from my phone. I feel like I'm over-dressed. Hahaha! But all I'm wearing is a dress flipflops and carrying an oversized bag. Okok I know theres two super obvious red spots on my face. Damn pimples.

Can't wait for tomorrow! Going to have an awesome day with my awesome sweetie! And I'm going to be wearing my latest creation. Who cares if I'm going to work. Too bad if they decide to fire me over my creativity. Music IS after all about being creative isn't it? Excuses. Lols! Yay! Happy! =D Happy 2years 2months my love!

Ok chunz this post is not me being emo. Hahaha! Just bored. Lalala.

~undead My blog~

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panic stricken

Children's Day is coming! Don't know what to get for all my kids. Hmm.

Felt like I hardly slept today. Had to drag myself out of bed. This Princess was so noisy! Kept barking. No idea what she was barking at. Must remember to buy her food today!

Sleepy. How to last through today? Sigh!

Oh I'm on the same bus I took just know. Lols! So it takes about an hour for the bus to come all the way back.

Ok yes I'm very bored. Blogging about random nonsense. Partially also cause I feel like I have a fish bowl cupped over my head.

Had nice Thai food yesterday with my babie! The Pad Thai and Thai Ice Tea is the closest to what I tasted in Thailand. =) I love Thai Ice Tea!!! Something about the tea leaves they use. Yummie!

Also did some shopping. How is it that my retail therapy session only had me bringing one new pair of heels home? Sigh.. I should have gotten the bag as well! Or bags. And shoes. And clothes. Oh wait! I did buy 2 spags! Lols! Ok not that bad after all I guess? =/

Moremoremore! More retail therapy!

Exams are coming, exams are coming, kill me now!

~final sprint~

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hate feeling like an emo shit

I like to feel needed. I hate to feel needy. It sux to the core I feel like shit just cause I haven't seen you for a while. I hate feeling like this. Emo shit. So angry!!!

Words. The same words coming from different people can be a great difference. Cause in the end of the day, some are nothing but words, while some ends up being imprinted permanently.

Hungry. My stomach is growling when I'm in bed. Sigh.. Dinner was good though! Didi cooked Salmon brown rice!

Ok. I should sleep now.

Sweet. As long as I don't go crazy. This is an example of words.

~what Is wrong???~

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bored in lecture

Suddenly afraid that I might have spammed your life. LOLS. HILARIOUS.

More options in life doesn't make it better. Not when all options look almost as good as each other. All has its ups and downs. Sometimes I just wish someone can make some options so I don't have to make them all.

Saw nice pair of heels today before I dragged myself away from the shelves of shoes at New Look. Want to buy shoes!

I'm crazily bored, blogging in lecture. =( So bored with everything in life. So sad!

~the sad truth~

just another =(

Feels like crying cause my sweetie is hurt and I'm not there. And whats with the stupid headache the whole day? Barely there but still irritating.

Just feel so =( today. No mood to do anything. Thinking of flying someone's aeroplane to run to my babie's side.

I guess, I need him more than he needs me now. Hahaha. Irony.

~just Cause u cant see it, doesnt mean its not there~

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