nonsense loads of it

depression hav set in. before during n after xams. just at a different degree i guess. i guess im yearning for something that we see almost everywhere. something im jealous ppl can get when ppl r getting it. i cant sae i dun hav it i just want more.

y isit we always want something we dun hav. y cant we ever b satisfied? making our own lives so damn miserable.

just feel like history is repeating itself again like it always does. its just so hard. we always try to please the ppl who dun really seem to b 100% satisfied wif us, n we neglact the ppl who please us. when we find the ppl who tried hard to please us, is not so keen on pleasing us already, we miss it n start to regret. over n over again it happens. we can nv get the best out of both worlds but we can get nuts out of both.

i regret something. i regret not having the courage to hug my mama when she's so damn sad when her father passed away. the hugging thing juz dun happen in my family. shes my mama god dammit. i keep thinking of this n im going to go crazy. choked wif tears i say. this is just 1 thing. im talking bout a general view of things. in this family we just dun show love. i dun see it. i dun even find my parents to talk about anithing. except money n some stupid things that happen. the rest, we're just shouting n screaming crying at each other or wadsoeva. the way we show 'care' is by scolding n stuffs i guess. n i dun wan to b liddat. i hate the way things r now. it makes me emo. n i hate that.

talking bout me, i believe im not the only 1. many hav been doing things to try to please our parents. we do things that we dun really like or we push ourselves a lot just to get something our parents will sae "wow! gd job" or wadeva positive things. i find it v sad, when we try so hard to do something right, all we get is "u could hav done better" or just even nothing at all. i hardly exist in this family unless something happens to my dog or when my papa is in a bad mood, he starts scolding my bros n i for things that happen long ago. or when my maid does something he really dislikes like cook really bad food (according to him). he'll sae to me "this is y u havta study hard. u canot end up as stupid as they r" i find everyone to him is imperfect n his the only one that gets things rite. its like he tries to find bout something to scold about after he gets angry wif anione. bangbangbangbangbang we get shot for nothing.

there use to b so much but it doesnt increase it only decreases. isit the same luck im going to hav this yr or isit for live? the same rotten luck i lived wif for the last year. love in every way is affecting me i cant stand to just b alone. i've nv known the most cruel picture can b one wif smiles in it. cuz looking back at wad i had n wad i hav now, i can see i've lost some.

or mayb i hav not cried for so long my tear ducts r so heavy wif water it has to come out or something. just feel like crying n crying n crying.

HAHA. im fine. too overwhelmed wif feelings after xams. HAHA.

ok i havta go now. GOSH i havta fix the stupid left arrow. cant believe i survived so long without it.

no slimming 2dae. not in the mood. =D

~where do i begin?~

just tell me when u've had enuff of me n my nonsense.