me so stupid

i cant believe it..after so long..i still haven learnt my bloody lesson..i juz canot shut up n stop saying some things..i still duno wad it means to keep it to my friggin self..i cant stand me..i friggin hate myself..sometimes i juz feel like bursting into tears..juz crying..juz letting it all out..i duno wad i feel like doing i duno wad i want..i feel like punching everything..if not for the rings on my finger..i would hav done that a million times already..am i worth it? all this time..u've been trying to hide that from me cuz u didnt wan me to leave..cuz u didnt wan me to b sad..cuz u care..cuz u loved me..n wad did i do?! i CRY..i complain..juz because i dream of my future wif u..i didnt wan to b alone after many years we spend together..if we were to get married..i didnt wan u to die b4 me..instead i wanted u to live past me..im so selfish..if that were to happen..u will b hurt..wouldnt it? sometimes i hope u would feel wad i feel..n i would feel wad u feel..so we could come to an understanding..cuz now..i feel so confused..im so sorrie i've pissed u off again..i tot i'll juz let u noe..i noe u still care..*slap myself*
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this morning..i was really v happy..i tot it was the happiest dae of the whole hols..but i knew more was yet to come..mr.b ask me to go out wif him tml..to watch ice age 2..n he wan to spend the whole dae wif me tml..YES..finally..i went to his hse at bout 12+..he was v tired..cuz of the class chalet he had..he didnt slp the whole night..i dont hav a problem wif that..cuz its expected..but the thing was this..i knew he would b tired..so y in the name of satan did i friggin go to his hse?! i knew he would b slping MOST of the time..which he actually did..y didnt i juz told him he shld rest..yy? wad the hell is wrong wif me? i can say so many things that is stupid..irritating n piss him off but i canot sae the right thing..IM SO SORRIE MR.B..KILL ME..cuz of me..i spoilt tml..friggin shit..now u c..this is y i hate myself..i destroy things that i love wif my own hands..
~it is me who made me sad..but it'll not b me to make me happy..it'll havta b u~