did i grow up according to plan...

compared once again to someone better than me in every way. yes she's my dearest cuzzie. she does everything better than me in studies, music, social life, etc. she made it to a gd jc, she joined a course she wanted to study, language wise she's so much better. music wise, she's joined a band, shes the keyboardist and singer. such a wonderful voice she's blessed with. she's so sociable. very gd in studies, very nice person to be wif. for everything above, im at least one level below. therefore i've been compared to her since i was young.

what isit my parents want me to see? they regret having me as their daughter? so fat, ugly, stupid? yes i love my usher job even though its meaningless. i've lost my interest in piano. come on, all my cousins have new pianos like once in a few years. look at the one im stuck wif. y isit u can change a new car even though the last one wasnt a wreck, but yet u cant get me a new piano that is just sucky. im not the only one playing it in this hse. the sound juz dun sound right. fine. i work. save. lets sae i get to buy a new piano for myself. how bout that? OH RIGHT. i forgot. i cant work cuz u dun like it either. so wad am i do to? wait till i get married which is when u said u'll buy me a new piano? GREAT. mayb i can get my kids to play it instead.

i hate being compared. its so unfair. i noe theres nothing i can do that is right. everything i do is just average, or worse. i suck in everything. get urselves a new daughter then. all i need is some small room for me to rot and die in. some money to live by the daes. or rather, just kill me. or shall i try to do it myself.

u said im spending all my time working, im doing nothing for the family. rite. i bought stuffs for the family, what happen to the food in the end? it ended up in the trash. no one thanked me, no one said anithing but "the food spoilt". HOW NICE. how bout, "i dont feel appreciated". fine mayb its just once. but i'd rather u noe, SEE or SENSE some kind, ANY kind of thanx for at least taking the effort n spending the money to BUY the stupid thing.

then comes the tix to the show Titoudao. who were the first 2 persons on my list. both of u. how was i thanked?! tell me how my didi cant ever study on his own, even for one night, just to spare a few hrs to watch a stupid show. fine at least papa came. but wad did i get for asking him, n even accompanying him to watch the show even though i watched it like 23 times? "YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR THE FAMILY". right. RIGHT. not a single word of thanx, no one said "im sorrie i cant go, how bout u give the tix to someone else". but rather i got "so late then tell me, im very busy u noe. u choose this wk, this is the most bz wk. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" YOUR MOST WELCOME.

i even typed a 2sms long msg begging u 2 to go for the show. its not for the free tix, its not cuz the show is damn nice, i stated specifically, i just wanted u 2 to relax for 1 night. i noe how difficult it is to be parents, how hard it is to work everyday, so here u r, ur one and only daughter, asking u to take 1 ONE night off to watch a stupid show that lasts like, 2hrs. if u add in travel time, the most is like 4hrs. ISIT THAT HARD TO ASK OF U 2? ok then again, my papa turned up. i told him 1 person watch the show alone very sad, so i offered to watch the show wif him. he noes i watched the show like a lot of times. i can just recite a few lines here n there wif the actors, i noe all the tunes of the songs, but yet, i chose to watch the show again cuz i just dun wan my papa to b alone.

NOT DOING ANYTHING?! let me see. wad did my BROTHERS do for the family? ok so its the "always working, trying to earn money, buy things, offered tix, always go out early and come home late and is super tired" person who is WRONG AND NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR THE FAMILY.

the last time we ate out, mama got petty, n papa wasnt very happy bout that. no one else wanted to do anithing bout the eating out part. so once i reached home, i was ordered to look at some restaurant's webbie, and left to make decisions for the whole family myself. ok, so fine im not so sure if everyone will b happy but i knew if i didnt do anithing, papa will b super unhappy. so i made reservations for 5. ALL FIVE OF US. end up only 4 of us went. WHY. cuz mama was being petty. CANT U JUST JOIN US? SO WHAT IF UR NOT HUNGRY. ISIT SO HARD TO ASK OF U JUST TO JOIN US FOR DINNER AS A WHOLE ENTIRE FRIGGIN FAMILY? FREAKS N UR SAYING IM ALWAYS NOT HOME.

you just hav no idea how much i do not want to take money from u. U HAV NO IDEA. i get money, u say im wasting money. i work u say im wasting my time.

WADEVA I DO IS WRONG. fine. FINE. wadeva.

my life is screwed, i hate wadeva im doing now, i dun like to study wad im studying now, i found i dun hav much interest in finance, i dun hav interest in stupid classical music animore, i think i've just lost interest in EVERYTHING. cuz it juz so happens that someone can do better than me. EVERYONE is doing better than me. ya im the worst la. wadeva. ya its true, i loose interest in things very easily so wad am i to do now. i hav no idea myself. I JUST DONT KNOW ANIMORE. mayb i should juz stick to wad im doing now, finish it, hate it but still work that line for the rest of my life. which means its as gd as not having a life. SO WHAT WHO CARES NOW. WHO CARES.

it hurts when u disapprove all along. i try hard to make it. i just wanna make u proud. IM NEVER GONNA BE GOOD ENUFF FOR U. im sorrie i cant be perfect. i try not to think about the pain i feel inside. nothings all right. nothings gonna change the things that u said, nothings gonna make this right again.

~WELCOME TO MY LIFE~