SOOO CLOSE

chocolate is a sin...

n im lost for words. im still wif the "IF ONLY" part.

~almost~

oh slpy ZZZ

y does it seem like ur desperately trying to PROVE urself? im sure u noe wad a terrible monster u r inside. forget it man. u can cheat other ppl but u cant cheat me. at least not again.

watched more movies! Knowing and Echelon Conspiracy. Also watched Shopaholic. Knowing is almost like Final Destination meets..some movie wif alien spaceship thingy and the world coming to an end. cant think any movies now. lols. Echelon Conspiracy is the typical..we build computers so smart it tries to take over the world kinda thing. lols! Shopaholic is juz plain bimbo movie thing. hahaha! fun to watch. lols!

instead of studying..im watching movies. how excellent. watch until so slpy.

omg im in deep shit. haiz.

~gimmie a break!~

the hidden

exams! coming le. shit man. haiz. theres so much to catch up wif. n i still haven found my motivation.
its amazing how u dun find wad u did terribly disgusting and wrong. mayb u do.
had a super long chat wif mr.l ytd nite. for at least 2hrs we sat outside my place discussing bout the rs. suddenly realised im really quite screwed up now compared to long ago.
it juz gets me VERY ARGH..ANGRY at u.
ahh i hav my txtbk open in front of me. my fav txtbk. cuz it looks like a story bk. however its so boring to read..its so dry...-.-" no dun ask me to pour water on my bk. its not going to help lor. my aim is to study 3 topics 2dae. HAHAHA. so farnie rite. LOLS.
n tempt me to do something damn childish. but im not going to sink to ur level.
omg im studying religions wad protestants n catholic or wadeva la! ahhh! this is management leh! y am i studying dat?! i catch no ball...='(
at least u noe how to keep ur distance. omg how u've wasted my life away.
hav u ever suddenly realised something n then get super emotional over it. like super sad or super angry or something. u noe the thing is there for so long.. but u juz didnt see it cuz u kept brushing it aside for wadeva reasons. den when it suddenly became SO CLEAR.. its like the volcano erupting. *BOOOOM!!!*
im amazed at how i even not see it when its so obvious. love is blind?!
we tried to come up wif a band name ytd!! yeah! er. no we still haven got one la. omg super love jamming. ytd jamming was really damn fun. budden nx wk no jamming again. =( haiz. xams coming. sucky la. how to hav jamming. so sucky...
omg i think its juz me being damn stupid.
i dun wan to let anything affect me. i wish i can delete things away from my life. tsk. sometimes i feel like bursting into tears. running away. but go where? run where? HAIZ. it sux man. it all sux.
i had my instincts bugging at me for so long but i kept brushing it aside.
juz watched a movie recently. its called "I just can't think straight". its like L word la. all those lesbian love.
omg amazing grace. HAHAHA! enuff of this unforgivable n unforgettable shit.
such a crappy post. too many things on my mind le. hahaha!
go to hell for all i care. SHIT U.

~strawberry shortcake & blueberry pie~

they love..LOVE the objects

Objectum Sexuals

this is something really interesting i came across while trying to b less bored by visiting i-am-bored. my usual webbie visiting routine. i nv knew ppl can fall in love wif objects like how ppl fall in love wif each other. they even claim they made love to those objects.....like the eiffel tower. a woman is married to the eiffel tower. omg. im speechless. really surprised didnt think theres such things going on in the world.

yes i do love my andre a lot but not to that extent. hahaha! im not an objectum sexual! i do not slp wif my keyboard. LOLS.

shld juz look at they way they LOOK at the objects. see the way they touch..hug..kiss..describe their loved ones. they juz look so serious so intense. really interesting. can go watch it on youtube. "Married to the Eiffel Tower" - Objectum Sexuals

oh no i think i contracted a deadly disease. RTD. retail therapy disease. keep buying nonsense stuff dun even bother bout the value. HAHAHA. its deadly!! if i continue i'll b broke..no money = no food. hahaha!

~R.T.D~

new, love, lost

hav not met alicia for such a long long time!! i think the last time we met was....at least 6yrs le ba. since sec 1 or 2. knew each other in pri sch but didnt really talk to each other. we only spoke to each other cuz we ended up in the same tution class in sec sch. after dat we juz didnt meet up animore. i think we did talk to each other for a while ba.

so we went out 2dae. wow shes this pretty chic now la. lols! slim down a lot le somemore! her endless interesting stories. lols! super fun to talk to her. we had dinner at xin wang. ah we met at yck station. lols! so qiao. wore the same colour somemore. hahaha! nice to catch up wif long lost fren. lols. =D

so my bz schedule for the nx few daes. this wk really interesting ah. dun need go hm for dinner le. hahaha! tml meeting up wif candy n sy. will b wif dear cuzzie b4 dat. den thurs will b going out wif vivz. mite b the whole dae somemore. lols. den fri jamming. YAY finally. hahaha.

im finally off on a SATURDAY! WOOOO. so rare. but i havta spend it studying. most likely..='( *SOB.SOB*

ever feel like a part of u is seperating from u n ur trying v hard to pull it back? i keep having dat weird feeling. like mayb if i juz let that thing leave im going to give in..collapse n die. lols! so sucky. so so sucky.

~wish i could b as strong as u~

it could hav been...

it really could hav been another beautiful day. in fact it almost was.

back to my old naming system!

mr.l brought me to lunch 2dae at the chicken rice place at thomson. juz wanted to try their food there since they've been around for quite sometime. its quite disappointing though. after dat mr.l sent me to sch n even crashed my lec. something i've been wanting him to do for a long long time...cuz my lecs r juz sooo...boringg. n noone cares. hahaha. n since my dear finance lecturer really explains a little too much n makes this irritating sound thing..its a bad habit of his..i always automatically tune out from his wadeva..i taught mr.l theory. hahaha! im so devoted to teaching music la. lols.

after sch we couldnt decide where to go. so i ask mr.l to surprise me. so farnie he didnt understand wad i meant by dat at first. hahaha!! but he still did. brought me to changi beach. it was really really really wonderful. i love beaches.. wads more there were planes taking off as well. n staring into that big open sea with that cool salty winds blowing in my face..its as if it blew away all my worries. n the sky! oh the sky was beautiful! this delicate blend of blue n some purple n some orange n white. n the wind! the view and the wind..a moment of bliss..

den we went changi airport to hav dinner. we ate at fish&co. den we went to the viewing area thingy to see the planes take off. omg changi airport is so damn cold.. i took out my notes to study a bit bit while mr.l took a short nap. im a nice fren ok! i covered him wif my jacket so he wun b so cold. hahahahaha! wadeva la grace.

how sweet was 2dae? excellent rite? how many bf will bring ur gf arnd on a random dae to do all these things? but then again..we only juz frens now. but dat dun make it ani less beautiful than it can be..if only if only..if only everything was fine.

~...if only...~

bee, honey & stings

a love-hate relationship is in a way possible.

y shld we love bees? cuz it give us honey. assuming we all love honey dat is...
apply this in a rs: we love our other half cuz they love us back, they're sweet, golden, delicious. precious!

but y shld we hate bees? cuz they might sting us. n it hurts.
apply this in a rs: when something in the rs goes wrong, it hurts. esp something dats not juz forgivable easily. it hurts!

how bout being stung once, but u noe it'll heal wif time n u go back to where u were.
and the bee sting u again.
IT STILL HURTS yes?
mayb even more.

regardless..u dun hate honey rite? u still love the bees cuz it brings u honey. but to prevent urself from being stung..wad do u havta do?

go far away from bees. far far away. but dun forget to take wif u wad u hav. u tasted honey. u get to keep the memories u had when u were tasting the honey. leave wif the sweetness and let the bee stings heal.

~love+hate~

O.M.G.B.O.O.Z.E

yes as the title states. im baaaaack people! nono i guess this is juz a 1 time thing. farnie thing is i actually watched this vid bout alcoholics n crap man. i really am classified as an alcoholic. WHY. i dun drink dat often wad. at least not animore. juz this once in a while thing. juz super love the farnie feeling. *twinkling stars*

OO. he picked this pretty pretty nail polish colour for me! (pardon the horrible eng. cant think straight). OO prettty! love! hot pink. hahaha! im the piano teacher wif hot pink nails. HAHAHA. yes everything is so much farnier now. all smiles n luffter yes? yesssssssss. beautiful spinning world. u canot believe how many times i havta retype many of these sentences. hahahaahahah

~OH i loveeeee...jazz swings~

to you

dun tell me wad i wan to hear........n sometimes noeing is juz not enuff. honestly..this time for real i dun think i can trust u animore. i duno which part of wad u said is true n which part is a lie or how many more things u haven told me. its not juz the little thing dat matters here. dun miss out the big part of the picture. the trust issue this time is not bout u not trusting me. this time i dun trust u. i guess u'll juz havta find a way to make me trust u again. its not going to b that simple animore.

and u officially lost the priviledge of knowing everything.

n like i said. u need to wan it bad enuff. n dun do it for me. do it for urself.

also dun assume i'll b waiting for u. im not promising u anithing so dun assume. im juz saying its a possibility dat if u quit we could take a chance at it again. let me emphasize how its not a promise.

cuz i duno how a r/s can survive without trust.

no matter how bad it hurts this time im not giving in that easily animore. something in me has died.

~yesterday was our happy ending~

a fking bad joke

it was all a fking bad joke. how insignificant a last chance was..how insignificant I am to U. im allowed to swear considering im emotionally confused rite? i noe i nv do...but this is y the word "exceptions" was invented yes?

u promised, apologised a million times, n u done it again.

amazing how ytd can b such a beautiful day n the nx can b such a big pile of BS. it was suppose to b another beautiful day. im sure i was happy the whole dae. we even wore our couples shirt. we were suppose to hav dinner happily at ikea, n hav that romantic walk at pasir ris like u said. i was so damn fking excited when u said dat cuz u were being all romantic-y. it was suppose to b a beautiful day 2dae. WAS SUPPOSE TO.

WHY?! why muz ppl treat me this way?? y ask for another chance n screw it up? how many chances do u expect to get?! dun tell me things like 'u muz love me for who i am'. AHHHHHHH this is where i get really angry. how im actually shaking in anger. how dare u make this about me, raise ur voice at me when u brought all these upon urself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! y u do this to me? am i not worth it?! dun tell me i am when ur actions tell me otherwise. u noe wad. ya probably im not worth it. 4get it then. y waste ur time, effort n money?! for wad?!

i made it SO DAMN CLEAR b4 we were 2gether..n u promised. it went well for a while then fine u said u made a mistake. i gave u "one last chance" as u said. n u also said u noe wad to do if u did it again. is this last chance too easy to get?? try getting another last LAST chance then.

words. im relying so much on everything u said. TRUST is the word im emphasizing on.

im angry. angry wif how it all seems like a big fat joke dat i dun understand.

cigarettes more important than gf. canot live without it. gf..lose liao can find another one mah. better still go find one dat dun mind. den dun need to listen to all the nagging la..go through all the SUPER DIFFICULT pain of quitting n all this falling out shit. can mayb even smoke wif gf somemore. so gd rite? im not worth all the pain n the effort la. 4get it.

the ONE thing im so damn fking against. ONE THING.

~to all u jokers out there. HAHAHA. SO FARNIE RITE?~

day out wif my love!

AHH! excellent! finally had a nice day wif my deardear! after a v long time. hahaha!!

ooh. sat on deardear's dad's scooter 2dae. so smooth la! LOLS. can slp on that bike. felt damn stable. LOLS. but v bulky also. hmm.

if not for the gong gong me, we would hav had lunch at ikea todae! =( cuz i tot i hav jazz piano todae..haiz. so we had lunch at carls junior. hahaha. yummie yummie. but i still miss ikea! our damn cake. n meatballs..n chicken wings..ahhhhhhh =( but nvm. at least we got to go to vivz uncle shop to play arnd wif the instruments a bit.

we went to collect my cert! finally it arrived in spore. b4 i entered epistage i saw the photocopied certs pasted on the glass panel. 1st thing i saw...wa! distinction. wa! merit. den i saw grade 2. DEN i saw my name. YEAH! happy ah! promised myself i would go back to learn leh...wait till got money n time den sae ba.....

we went esplanade after dat. walk walk arnd n sat at the place where deardear gave me THE drumsticks. the ones dat deardear used to ask me to b HIS. hahaha! so nice. lols! but the thing is..everywhere else, people count stars in the sky..in spore we count cranes. juz stare across the esplanade. WA HOW TO COUNT HUH? so many! so colourful somemore! big n small also leh...

den there was a gig at 7 so we went to hav dinner at thai express. turns out dat it was The Goodfellas gig! WA. long time no see. didnt even noe it was them =X. love the vocals. they r pros man. v entertaining too. hahaha!

den we went inside esplanade. came across a jazz band, Gravy. cute name. hahaha! can see that the bassist was v into the songs. lols. i love jazz vocals..they're not bad but i think they r v..1 style fits all. not much variety in their songs. hmm. or mayb cuz we missed out half of the whole gig? duno. lols.

after esplanade we went marina barrage! ooooo. always wanted to go there wif my deardear! finally. hahaha! realise how we r wasting resources. the lights at the construction sites r so damn bright. tsktsktsk. the earth is going to die in 2012 if we continue living the way we do now. but whos going to do anithing? the earth is not juz 1 country...its COUNTRIES! gdness. haiz...sadness. we fed mosquitoes for a while n went hm le. ooo! i think i saw fireflies there. hahaha!

today has been a wonderful day! thanks deardear! love u loads! muamuacks! hope we can hav more daes liddat. hahaha. muamuacks!

~i wish upon a star~

perspectives

the only constant in life is change.

1 thing i need to learn to change. soon. to look at situations from diff angles. probably learn to get angry over certain issues instead of just brushing it aside. n stop getting angry over tiny issues. (yes dear i can see ur happily nodding ur head la. hahahahaha!! =p muamuacks!) angles angles angles!

im glad my sch isnt as far as i tot it was. i left hm at 8.30 n reached sch at 9.20. yay! tot i'd b late. econs lec always packed. tsktsktsk.

xams coming liao. AHHHH PANIC AH PANIC!

so lazy to start working on materials for GIL. this grp lesson thingy i hav wif my kids at cristofori. lols! its this sat la. damn. gd thing is IM OFF ON SUN! YES! =D

~cant wait to spend a whole dae wif u again~

flawed theory

study so many management theories. i noe when theories hav flaws, another theorist will try to improve it. chunz told me my shumz theory is flawed. lols! let me label dat as shumz theory #1.

posted in 2006, Shumz Theory #1 'most evilest of theories: "falling in love with person who comfort you after breakup" i've seen this theory work over n over again, shall not let it work on me! this theory shall b called Shumz Theory. hahaha!! lalala~'

i can safely sae dat doesnt work all the time of course. its juz MUCH EASIER to mistake the feeling as falling in love cuz that other person is there to comfort, bring cushion to ur heartbreak. not saying dat the r/s DEFINITELY wun work out cuz of course there is a possibility. juz like Hawthorne Studies figured. theres many more factors that can contribute to the issue. obviously.

hence i conclude, Shumz Theory #1. depending on many factors, u might just develop a strong feeling towards the one who comforts u after breakup. like in any r/s, the chemistry must b there. the X factor. cuz i noe wad its like to hav someone there, but no x factor, no chemistry. can get along v well! get along v well as frens.. n deep down u noe nothing more can happen beyond frenship. so tadah. less flawed now? its like a catch-all explanation. lols!

~dun bother looking for Shumz Theory 2-7~

my super breadman

tadah! =)

hope u'll always b as happy as..in the pic above.

sometimes its juz not worth it to waste ur own precious time being upset bout something u noe?

dun always ask me to not b sian..u shld tell urself dat more often! jiayou! b urself again k!

~aren't u cute!~

melted butter

As when the questions flutter

'round my head like butterflies

My head spins at reflecting on

Another love's demise, Ohhh

tiring. tiring to go to bed needing slp, n cant get any. so tiring.

wadeva u wan to call it. stress? it gets the better of me. esp when i hav 2 essays due SOOON. n i've spent too many daes trying to come up wif the 1st damn draft for 1 essay. n i hav so many things to juggle. im sure im not the only one. wad else can we do?! jiayou lor! wad else. haiz.

i miss choya..

i've come to love jamie cullum! i love his music. ahhhhh..makes me melt......

dug up some treasure, canot share ah!

~jazz..my love~

microblogging

nv thought it would turn out this way. nv thought a 7mth r/s could hurt as much as a 4yrs long r/s.

~i wanted it i got it. no complains~

chapter 4729618 of over-thinking

Shumz Theory #8
Insecurity

can be due to certain trust issues. n trust works 2 ways. either way can cause someone to feel insecure. yes? easily understooded yes? if u dun trust someone, u'll always fear that someone will do something behind ur back, run away, etc.
if that someone cant trust u, and u noe it, that someone might leave. y? y would u wan to stay wif someone u cant trust? UNLESS..

this insecurity comes from feeling inferior. EVEN THOUGH UR NOT. so its u being too "imaginative" or wadeva u wan to call it. putting that someone too high above u thinking ur "not worthy" crap.
however, im not saying this is untrue in certain circumstances. taking the extreme as an example, hmmm. someone who feels dat theres no hope in life, always thinking of commiting suicide, dun bother to care bout his own life, family, dun bother working hard at all.. and an independent woman?

of course if the guy gets motivated by that woman he sees and decides to change for the better, or...if the woman decides to change for the worse........who saes its not possible?

aniwaes. a confident man is always better. n i mean confident. not egoistic.

oh yes insecurity tires ur other half out, in short, it kills. sometimes, juz b confident, not only in urself, in ur other half as well.

of course im talking bout relationships here. isnt TOO many ppl in the world trying to b counsellors. hahaha! wad makes u think im different huh? no la. im juz stating the obvious. i rather stick by piano teaching.

next.
if u duno how to take care of urself, it makes me feel dat u wun noe how to take care of me either.

u noe how amazing piano teaching is?
its such a default feeling, juz like placing the accidental, natural, beside a note. it cancels the sharp OR flat effect! sharp being, gd happy things. flat being the opp.

teaching starts wif a neutral feeling, and then of course, i still get angry at those -.-" students, and happy cuz of some of my farnie students. LOLS. some of them really cute la!!

its that amazing. i nv thought i could put aside my feelings for anithing. till ytd. hahaha.

hav other theories to talk about actually but its not impt to anione else but myself. n im lazy now, like i always am.

hence..

~shall i give in to my belief?~