a little positivity

Today is one of the better weekends because I get to work from home instead of sitting at the studio till late. But I'm rushing really last minute work. Rushing tomorrow morning's lesson plan. Don't even have much idea what to do! Damnit.

Everyday is going to be a better day. After crying over some shit just 2 days go, things did pick up a little. And it only seems a little better because, it probably can't get any worse than it already was. Not that I have less to worry and stress over, I just have to learn to move on, take care of myself, and fight. And constnatly remind myself I friggin need to stop pinning certain hopes on certain people because everytime it goes the opposite of my expectations, I die a little inside.

Just because I seem like I can take care of myself, doesn't mean I don't need to be taken care off. Also doesn't mean I have the ability to take care of everyone else at the same time.

Just because I work 7 days a week, doesn't mean I'm anywhere near rich. I'm quite sure if I were to take up a proper full time office job, I'd probably earn a little more than what I'm earning now. But I'm not giving this up because I love teaching.

Guess it's not that crazy my lecturer quit his lawyer job to teach after all. He said he loves to teach. Crazy people like us, it's not all about the money. Maybe it's stupid. But it's my life, I'll screw it up my way.

~catch the sun~

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stare into my silence

What do you see when you look at me? I see too much I don't want to see, too much I don't want to remember. Too many times I asked 'what the hell is wrong with me', it's nothing short of a mystery. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do. Then I realise I'm looking into a mirror. Why have we grown to be the same? We retreat into ourselves till it seems there's nothing else in this world. This awful familiarity that maybe I should try to wake up from. I never felt a 100%. Part of me will always be somewhere else, out there. Emptiness. Dead. Silent. That is my split personality.

If I have to drag myself through this then maybe this is not for me. I see an opportunity, I feel it so often, but nothing in me is moving towards that direction. It's painful to talk about, hurts to think of. I am exhausted. Totally exhausted inside out but yet I trudge along to a pace as good as standing still. Every step of the way filled with doubt, I want to go, give up, disappear. But I'm still here, with my silence, thinking maybe, just a little longer, it will change.. just a little longer..

~snap out of it~

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summing up Sat morning

Left home a little late today, but got to my little kid's place on time. However, bus ride over was so fishy! Literally. Stinky.

Finally out of desperation and therefore guts, gave my namecard to her mum who was super friendly. But of course I was too late. Imagine this. Two weeks ago my kid gave me a pack of plasters given to her by Pru. Today I had the honour to write in a brand new notebook given to her by Pru. O.M.G.L.O.L.S.

GG-ed.

And then came the rumbling thunder. I hurried my little kid to listen so I could go cause I didn't have an umbrella and the threatening sounds of the thunder reminded me of the plentiful walks I need to take to get home. And my little kid ran to her mum announcing at the top of her lungs 'Mummy! Teacher Grace got no umbrella! Faster lend her! Faster!'

That's my little kid for you.

Gawd. I'm on fishy bus again. The fish must have swam out of the bag, leaving behind its own version of potpourri. Dried gut stains exuding fishy-death fragrance.

The whole of next week is action packed with non-stop working and no dinners till after 8pm. For now I'd agree with most of the normal human populationm 'yay it's the weekends!'. At least I'm just stuck in a freezer for most of these two days. And I miss my kids! So not too bad.

~wait, who am I again?~

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plurality

Panic!

I confess. I'm a dreamer. I dream of so many things big and small. But I don't think I ever had any of them coming true (Rarely maybe? Once in a purple moon?) So a 1% progress of a dream becoming a reality is just so exciting! All the things I have to get done comes in long lists in my head and I picture myself standing in my victory. OUR victory!!

Sure I've talked about it enough times to plenty of people. I really thought maybe when I was 50 I'd stand back and laugh at this NATO moment. No, I never knew I'd be so lucky to have someone pushing me, reminding me of a dream I can fulfill. WE can fulfill! So I can't dream anymore can I? It's time to be serious, to have a proper plan and resources, to step out of dreaming about it once in a while, it's time to grow up.

Now, to have a beginning, we have to have the picture of the end in our minds. Though the 'end' is nothing but a 'new beginning', these words simply symbolize the stages we'll be going through. Meanwhile, while we search for ways to take the first big step, I can still dream right? =)

The higher the hopes, the more painful the fall from failure. Let's all hope these words will not remain 'just words', but the introduction to a whole story of our lives, and a beautiful reality.

For once, they're not just my words anymore. They have become OURS.

Can you see how this doesn't just refer to a single issue, situation, plan, dream? Or maybe it's just me.

~plurality <3 ~