Dreams of truth?

Putting together a mixture of dreams I've been having, this is the interpretation I found. Surprisingly it might just be how I really feel.

• At the most basic level it means that we are afraid of being found unattractive. At a deeper level, it can signify a fear of embarrassment or a loss of power in real life.
• Typically a person having this dream is feeling insecure or lacking in support in their waking life. These dreams often occur when you are overwhelmed in life and feel ready to give up.

2 different dreams. 2 interpretations. Both points in 1 direction.

Don't know if someone told me or I read from somewhere that I'll never be truly happy. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Even the fortune teller said I have a very strong aura, but I need to hang out with happy people more often. Was I like this all along?

~Something's broken~

Too much!

Reminded of how I always feel I'm not good enough. Sometimes I forget that problem never goes away. Probably I should stop feeding myself lies and start doing something about it..

Tell me what should I do now?

Feeling terribly $@%#^$# now. TSK! Can't deny too much have gone through my mind. TOO MUCH. I've just been silencing those thoughts because sometimes they don't even make sense to me. Sometimes it just don't seem fair. It seems too unreasonable.

I now know why I love teaching so much. Because I know the students need me. I know I can help them. Very happy when someone appreciates me. My students thank me for teaching them, their parents thank me for teaching them, I feel appreciated. I feel needed. I feel like I exist! I feel that people don't look through me, they see me.

Of course I know people who sees me, who listens to me and cares! *gives love* to every single one of you.

WHY?! Why do so many things disappear with time? Can I disappear NOW?

~Time heals, time destroys~

Is that a spark I see? =)

Oh man! All projects done! No more mid-terms too! Not like I went for the last mid-term.. Didn't study for it. And I know, even if I were to attend, I will screw up the blardy paper. So! I went to have a nice day with my babie instead! HAHAHA

Alice in the Wonderland.. is not such a big wonder though.. Wasn't exciting, don't seem to have climax. I quote, "The story wasn't as captivating enough.. often at times the dull and melancholic atmosphere kills the effect and the scenic details were not that distinguishable." and "'Alice in Wonderland' has its moments of delight and humour. However, you can't help but feel as though Burton has slightly lost his 'muchness' as well in delivering a truly wonderful story." (Yahoo! Movies 2010) AH HA! Ok although it has a few sprinkles of humour here and there, plus I love rabbits (especially white ones!! HAHAHA), I was almost falling asleep towards the end of the movie. LOLS. Oh well. Don't even know how the original fairytale goes.

I want to watch How to Train a Dragon again!! In 3D! Super cute! =D Babie when are you free again?! =D

Time to start preparing for exams. Mid-term can miss, exam cannot. Must jiayou already! And it's the last year I'll be hugging textbooks and notes on my bday! (I hope...)

3rd last lecture of the sem.

Meeting Vivz tonight! Yay!

~不要让我习惯你的不在~

The Lady Wants to Know

And love, I'll be that fool for you, for sure

Should I not go for the test on Mon? If I can't finish FLIPPING through 7 topics by Mon 6pm. I'm not going. Yes. Whatever.

Not that I still want to complain, but sometimes I really want to say "F all the jobs, F school..."

Then again, whatever.

~Diet needed~

step 1 into change

omg. so sticky, so needy.. the very terms i never knew could describe me. but i can FEEL it now. i've never felt this way, and i don't know what you did that made me feel this way. i hate it. YOU'LL hate it. i must do something about it. i must allocate these feelings somewhere else. and now i sound like a crazy person.

suddenly so many people are getting attached. is it because of feb? valentines day and all.. people start to realise its sad to not have a partner beside you on valentines day. so they start looking for people who feels the same? then near the end of the year people start to break up because... its christmas?? r/s has seasons too yes? i see the pattern every year.

i need to do my work. compartmentalise brain! compartmentalise!

we have 60,000 thoughts a day. be aware of the thoughts, craft them into helping you be who you want to be. your conscious mind is the captain of your thoughts! and your subconscious mind are the crew members. their job is to carry out the orders! so what are you telling your crew members to carry out for you?

oh gawd.. how beautiful weddings are... *sobsobs*

~is patience a virtue?~

some are just not good listeners

some people make it about you, then strange enough it ends up about them. you feel theres no one you can talk to about you because its just about them even when they try to make it about you for a short while.

sometimes you just have nobody to talk to about you

sometimes nobody cares

nobody understands how you feel

i'll be your 'nobody'

i'll listen to you about you

i do care more than just sometimes

i understand how you feel

cause i feel just like you do often enough

what is this aching feeling i have. irregular sharp pain comes along with it. and damn the rain. need to go to work later.

~deadlines~

my melody

Melody Gardot - If The Stars Were Mine

If the stars were mine
I'd give them all to you
I'd pluck them down right from the sky
and leave it only blue
I would never let the sun forget to shine upon your face
so when others would have rain clouds you'd have only sunny days
If the stars were mine
I'd tell you what I'd do
I'd put the stars right in a jar and give them all to you

If the birds were mine
I'd tell them when to sing
I'd make them sing a sonnet when your telephone would ring
I would put them there inside the square, whenever you went out
so there'd always be sweet music whenever you would walk about
If the birds were mine
I'd tell you what I'd do
I'd teach the birds such lovely words and make them sing for you
I'd teach the birds such lovely words and make them sing for you

If the world was mine
I'd paint it gold and green
I'd make the oceans orange for a brilliant color scheme
I would color all the mountains, make the sky forever blue
So the world would be a painting and I'd live inside with you
If the world was mine
I'd tell you what I'd do
I'd wrap the world in ribbons and then give it all to you
I'd teach the birds such lovely words and make them sing for you
I'd put those stars right in a jar...and..........
give them all...to you.......

love this song. dedicated to the one i love!

~i'd wish to put a little more distance, 但我做不到~

envy!

envy people who...

• get to travel with their partner
• can stay out late or not even return home and don't get nagged at
• are happy all the time
• have no worries
• have no stress
• have time!
• have no financial burden
• can do points 1, 2 & 3 all at once
• can stay over at their bf's place whenever they want!! (i can't even stay at gf's place.. -.-")
• don't have ridiculous parents
• have great figures!!!!
• look beautiful

ok basically envy beautiful hot people who can do whatever, whenever they want. with the assumption that being able to do that makes you happy, worry and stress free. yes.

oh! Melody Gardot's concert was great! love what she did to the grand piano! instead of using the keys like most people do, she played directly on the strings. which gave it a nice mysterious sound, a little bit like the 古筝. unforgettable sounds. someone loan me your grand piano to experiment on too pls!

i'm beginning to think the crying thing is not hormonal.

sometimes i think i love you too much that i really don't know what to do with myself. too much of a good thing is not a good thing. cause i have a constant fear that you might leave me one day. and it hurts so much so that my tear ducts go crazy on me. can you die from a heartbreak? o.m.g. i've turned into walking glue. too blardy sticky! i told myself i should never turn into this but lo and behold! THE walking contradiction.

Gingko Biloba:

One of the world’s oldest living species of trees, Gingko Biloba has proven time and time again to be effective in the treatment of memory loss, lack of alertness, and most importantly, depression. Increasing blood flow to the brain, it also controls the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, aiding depression further. With regards to St. John’s Wort, Gingko Biloba is probably the second of the best natural anti depressants.

ok. i probably need to get that. sounds good! sounds just like what i need. treatment in memory loss.. hmmm.. does that mean it helps to boost memory? if so i REALLY need that. hahaha!

i know my posts has weird spacings all of a sudden. but this post is perfectly fine. hahahahaha! right chunz? =D

~EnvyeNvyenVyenvY~

sale & sweetness

had not a bad day today. got some good stuff from body shop's sale with shuyi and shirlene today! =) good old fashion retail therapy =)

finally got to see my babie after so long. i do miss you and i still miss you (yes like right NOW). so sweet to see how much my babie loves his bro! maybe one day i should tell him that you said you love him very much. hahaha!

ok have to recharge for tmr's not so pleasant day. another day of teaching. o.m.g.

~wish i didn't have to leave~

find me

no

i'm glad you have a source to get away to. i wish i had one too.

mood

but since you are literally my one and only, you're the only source i can get anywhere with.

i feel like theres too much that i don't know where to start with and i end up not wanting to do anything at all. all these overcrowded thoughts in my head is overwhelming.

the truth is i'm so afraid that i'll lose you, i'm afraid if i say too much you'd leave.

sometimes i just want to feel the way i did before again.

i hate feeling insecure. i wish you could make me feel better. but i know you can't.

too

cause you don't have the same patience you had towards me anymore.

emo

you don't spend as much time with me now.

going

i can't blame you, i have to understand we all get tired.

mad

cause i'm tired.

kill

tired of worrying about so much.

me

myself, my work, my school, my family, my brothers, and you.

somehow i think if i could shut out my own feelings, the world will be a better place. does anyone know how to do that? to stop feeling? i want to stop feeling all these emotions inside. its driving me and someone else crazy. its ridiculous.

i wish you could stop asking me to control. because you don't understand how difficult it is.

and this blardy weather ain't helping either. my house is so warm, my room is warmer, and my bed is an oven. when i walk out of the house its so much more cooling outside! and the aircon? been broken for YEARS. i'm done complaining about things nobody is going to care about. hence i got myself a job so i could get things done quicker myself. and again, they wonder why i don't like to come home.

don't you think i would if i could? i tried! i tried to let it out i tried to distract myself i tried to talk it out. i tried.

then comes these even more ridiculous accusations! just because i prefer my soybean milk to be sweetened, meant that i ate too often outside. just because they can drink unsweetened soybean milk meant they are healthier than i am. seriously, i don't care that i'm going to die earlier. cause if i can't even have my own preferences, this world is so not worth living in. or rather, this house..

i don't even know what the friggin hell i'm so upset about that i feel a constant need to cry. f-ing fd-up.

~the hidden~

ponders

i wont want to know the face of the past because i'm afraid to find out it overpowers me. i'm afraid to lose and live in fear at every moment. i'd rather hide from the truth and do the best i can rather than trying to out do the past. thats why i can understand why people say not to bring up the past. cause a present would put up a strong front but get shattered inside. oh these complications...

the course of a relationship works like the business cycle. theres expansion, peak, recession and trough. but the chances of it reaching the same peak is.. puny. business cycle takes years, relationship can take days, or just months?? of course there are the occasional few who can last a couple of years, but the expansion will never be as great, the peak will always be lower than the previous unless some big events happens.. otherwise, the repetition of the cycle is quick and deadly. i absolutely hate that the relationship mimics the business cycle. i absolutely hate the relationship cycle can be so short when the business cycle is an average of 10years? and always repeats. meaning it always has an expansion after the trough. judging by the STI itself, we can all see that the new peak can be higher than the previous, even the trough is higher than the previous. relationship is such a volatile market, with higher risks but not necessary reaping better benefits.

i hate recessions. y cant a relationship stay at the peak forever. idiot.

on an unrelated note..

i value a gd listener. i like a gd talker. but what gd is a talker if the talker doesn't listen?

~是你累了吗？~

chocolate cures everything! (almost)

today is a better day! chocolaty goodness from udders! plus the box of chocolates.. ah! i'm going to get 1 for myself too! i think i was having some withdrawal symptoms. haven't been eating good chocolates for too long hence the emotional crapshit. oh, i'm officially not an alcoholic anymore. OFFICIAL. i can't stand the taste of alcohol (?!?!?!?!) anymore. (?!?!?!?!?) wow. babie i've done it!

it's been a really long day with too many wasted hours in between all the crap. but i believe it will soon go away! *SHOOOSHOOOSHOOO!*

i know my roller coaster ride haven't been very nice to my babie. I CONFESS.. the chocolates are a bribery babie.. heh heh..

tmr is pure sch day! with 4hrs break in between. but no work!! however its babie's off day. which kinda sux considering i'm stuck in sch. 8.30 - 6.30 -.-" ARGH. stupid. another day with wasted hours in between. THEN AGAIN.. *always look on the bright side of life.. la la, lalalalalala..* this means its a day to dress cui-ly! AH! shorts, tshirt, flipflops. *yay!*

then comes wkends. then the wk is over. this still sux...

feel like i'm cheating on someone by trying to come up with plans to dump someone else just to go to someone. and that someone is helping me dump that someone else. such a complicated r/s. this is just a simple, small, place. imagine the industry.. it must be times GAZILLION and 928374982764982769487... etc!

i KNOW what phone i'm getting. i'll get it as soon as i have some bucks in empty bank accounts. bear with my un-callable phone for now pls! it only accepts smses for now. calling will cause phone to be flat in 2seconds. *SIGH* i think i've been really patient with this damn phone for too long. going to have high blood pressure from using this piece of crap.

sch have yet to pay me, students have yet to pay fees, cristofori has yet to give out pay cheque. sounds like a lot, but hell no. just a few bucks here and there. isn't going to make a big difference in my life, except the process in earning all these sure has shorten my lifespan. every dollar took 1second off my life.

and i already know what i'll be doing this hols. something new! can't wait till exams are over. can't wait to graduate!

~it was up! and then it went down.. look at my roller coaster ride~

some things r uncontrollable

the words that are left unsaid turns into tears.

cause i know i cant tell u. i really cant. because if things changes it would only b because of my words. such changes, from tons of experiences, NEVER lasts. hence, pointless. as much as i know how difficult it would be, i hope u would see it for yourself.

thats y i always believe, don't do things now that u won't or don't see yourself doing in the next 30, 40yrs. don't do it just to win my heart, don't do it just to please me now, cause 'we' shouldn't care too much about 'now' if 'future' doesn't even exist. do it cause u want to, willingly, n have no problem doing it for the whole of your married life.

on a maybe unrelated note...

damn tired of crying n crying for reasons i don't even know.

this is not happening again! for the 879286928395th time!

now that SHE is back, i hope she takes back all the crap she piled on me these 3weeks. i know i get to earn better with less students but i hate the life that i have to find time to MUG. i don't FIND time to MUG EVER. its ridiculous! i want to be able to think to myself 'OMG.. i'm so damn bored! i got nothing to do!' i want to be able to do that again and not just for ONE day in a long long while. how about 2 days in a week, every week? its fair people get weekends right? so i should get my 2 proper 'die of boredom' days. it'll be even better if i have my babie to 'die of boredom' with me.

in case u haven't noticed.. in this period of fragile, roller coaster emotion.. craze.. thing.. i might need just a little more care n concern from the right people (person). *HINTHINT* if that right person even reads this -.-" i'm leaving a hint to thin air.

~AWW i love u blog!~

grass is always greener on the other side

i just got so tired n the last thing i need was being crapped at. but wad to do. i cant blame anione for making myself so tired. physically mentally emotionally.

dad made so much noise n woke me up this morning.. if i needed to go to sch. i wun still b slping.

then the damn phone pissed me off for the millionth time. always when i needed to make calls or answer them. IMPT calls that is..

then i couldn't understand a damn blardy thing the lecturer was talking about despite my 110% attention for the 1st time in the yr.

then i had to rush to work.

no time for lunch. excellence.

then i tried to study. which became crappier.

then i stupidly unconsciously made comparisons which i NOE DAMN WELL not to. when i realised that... it was too late. i hate to be compared.. so i shldnt compare. STUPID.STUPID.STUPID.

then i suddenly felt like shit.

which naturally made me wan to cry AGAIN.

this yr i've been too emotional, too tired, too often.

i don't noe wad isit i need. i don't noe wad isit i shld do. but things r really moving too fast. SO FAST.. dat MUGGING... is a LUXURY to me. if i can mug for just 2hrs.. *HALLELUJAH!*

theres just some things no one will ever understand unless they have been through the same. pointless to try travelling straight when u're on a merry-go-round.

~shutup emotions! shutup!~

u're worth it!

i'm just glad i have u.

i'm glad i don't have to go through what others do

i'm glad i don't get lied to

i'm glad theres no need for cover up

i'm glad u care for me too

whatever it is, at this point

i'm still glad i have u

~dedicated to those who can't say the same~