me..n nothing but me..isit?

hmm..ytd was alright i guess..couldnt slp though..cuz of stupid cockroach in my room..big fat n disgusting..can hear it walking round the plastic bag..so creepy! so..wad do i always do when i cant slp?! dats right..think of stupid depressing pieces of shit..n im going to type it all out..i tot bout how a big failure i am..so shi bai..u noe y? cuz mr.b's frens can make him soooooooo happy..n i cant..its official..im the most boring person on earth..y isit i try so hard to put a smile on someone's face but i cant do it..i dun mean to b a spoiler..i juz cant help it..ms.c said nobody is born sad..hahaha..true..i juz forgot how to stop being sad..doesnt mean theres no happy times..but their all juz so temporary! cuz when theres silence..when theres noise..when its dark..when theres light..whenever..where ever..my brain simply canot stop working out stupid thoughts..i bet ms.c heard me said a million times..my life is so sucky! pathetic! blah blah blah..thanx ms.c..its nice chatting wif u..hahaha..shld i take the diploma plus thingy? my mama ask me to go n take..3 sem long! really havta think bout it..muz make sure i can cope..juz wan sch to reopen asap..juz feel like sitting down to study..at least theres something to keep my brain bz..so it would not go places it shouldnt go..mr.b's been real nice these couple of days..probably cuz its his bdae..his all hyper n happy..which is gd! it shld b like that everydae..hahaha..im a v selfish person i guess..i duno..ms.v, ms.c, should noe..rite? how sian i was when anione mentioned bout mr.b n fellow frens spending hrs 2gether..its his bdae n i didnt get most of his dae..im selfish..i wan him all to myself..well..not exactly..juz wan to b wif him u noe..juz wan to spend time wif him..with or without his frens is fine..i duno..haiz~ suxxxxxxxxx..nice mr.z let out the little secret bout the "surprise" ytd..mr.b's NOT suppose to noe i was going..how nice of u mr.z..but its ok..since u n mr.v helped me get mr.b to go earlier so i could stay n watch..shortly after the cake fight..i was sent home..haiz~ nothing was working right..except for mayb buying the prezzie part..think positive..at least he was happy..but train of thoughts reminded me mr.b said he wished his bdae was all like that..n that this was the most memorable bdae he eva had..train of thoughts tells me im sad now..u see how pathetic i am? bad girl! bad girl! naughty girl! a v lousy gf..all depressed, boring, sian, dumb, self-centered person..how NICE.....lousy..happy news!..hmm..the skin my my blister cracked..n blood came ooooozzing out..hahaha..im still alive n kicking..isnt that great?! hahaha..im nuts..how can someone like me expect to put a smile on someone's face when i cant even put one on my own?! so..i'll try my best to b happy..as much as possible..=D..see me smiling? hahaha..i'll b ok ppl! chillax! all's well..dun worrie bout me..dat is if u're worring bout me..hmm..wad am i saying..hahaha..totally nuts..its so cold..i cant bend my index finger..its got plaster around the joint..hahaha..so random!! n im still hungry..hmm..muz jian fei!! mr.v said im fat..n i totally agree..hahaha..i should use i-gallop n u-zap 2gether..in my dreams..i hav like..hmm..-$33 now! canot afford to spend..negative income..*sigh..* so broke..worth it? guess so..at least mr.b smiled? er..i would like to think he did..at me..hahaha..stupid girl! bad girl! think happy thoughts!! ahh..mr.b's so qute when he smiles..=D..hahaha..i've got a retarded com..ok..i'll goooooo.......find something HAPPY to do! lala mr.b =D stay happy..dun let anithing bother u too much..

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along 'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

~16 more days to my 18th HAPPY bdae~

happie bdae mr.b!

2dae is mr.b de bdae..hahaha..at mr.v de hse blogging..waiting to go see mr.b later..hahaha..how nice..wan surprise him actually..budden i think he noes liao le..hmm..not much fun le ba..hahaha..this morning went to give him the prezzie i was trying to find high n low..den i went to ms.v's hse..after a while we went heartland mall..it was really fun actually..wif her mama..we had pizza..hahaha..delicious..its been so long since i had pizza at pizza hut le..hahaha..nice..den we went town..it rained! i juz rebonded my hair..haiz~! but nvm..hahaha..hadta get out of there de mah..so we walk in the drizzle..went taka find ms.s..it was really v fun..me n ms.v had loads of fun..its been so long since i luffed like that..i already planned to buy mr.b another prezzie n a cake..so its gd that i managed to buy them..i went hougang mall to buy the cake..n met mr.z n mr.v there wif ms.v too..it was really fun..we made fun of loads of things..when i was in taka..my mama..spoiler! sae this will b the last time i can go out till midnight..there will b no more nx time..if not i canot go out le..SPOILER..HMPH! after buying the cake..i mr.z n mr.v went to hav dinner..we chatted a bit..den mr.v called mr.b n told him that he had something on..to push the time earlier..hahaha..so i can make it le! lalala..how nice of mr.v n mr.z..hahaha..nx time treat u 2 to eat chicken rice ba..hahaha..=P..so now..i think i'll b going out soon..hahaha..go find mr.b..=D..surprise!! lalala..mr.b owe me kissies now..cuz im so sweet..HAHAHA..zi kua..tsk tsk tsk..hahaha..aniwaes..the past few daes r ok..the timetable is out..thank god theres at least ms.c in my class..if not..how can i survive wif.......u c..hahaha..=D..mr.b's been in a gd mood the past few daes too..thats really gd..his happy..im happy..hahaha..luv ya mr.b!! yeps..theres this thing i told ms.v 2dae..my bdae wish..free..n mayb hard to get..i wish somebody...will quit..smoking..end of my bdae wish..hahaha..bdae..chalet? haiz~! hav no idea still..scared ppl canot make it..well..ok..better get outta here now..hahaha..
~happie bdae mr.b! luv ya!~

me the scadie-cat =(

2dae..i woke up at..bout 7.30..packed n went to hougang sports hall to play badminton wif ms.v n her mama..after 1 hr of sweating out all the fats..we went hougang point to eat lunch..i ate peanut porridge..n sushi..hmm..n drank chestnut drink..then..we went to ms.v's hse to shower..i got 3 blisters from playing badminton..i wonder y..2 on my hands! its the first time man..i've nv had blisters on my hands since...pri sch..the days of hanging on monkey bars all recess..hahaha..the other one was due to my shoes..bathing was sooooo painful..extremely..esp the blister on my foot..*OOOWWWCH*..i checked the option thingy..i got into financial trading..hahaha..its expected..cuz my thinking is the sch wun b so cruel to put u in something u dun wan to study..but well..the sch can b..hahaha..as long as its not me..hahaha..after that..we went to Kelly's hairdressing place..wadeva its called..i only noe its name consist of the name Kelly..i had my hair rebonded n cut..my fringe!! oh no!! i look like ms.v..its not the way i wanted it to b..but..haiz~ its done..so..juz gotta b patient n wait for it to grow back..not dat ms.v's hairstyle is horrible..juz dun wan to b look at as a poser..i really didnt wan this fringe..hmm..through out the cutting hair process..i kept complaining to ms.v.."i noe he will sae v ugly lor".."i scared how"..aiya..i really v scared mah..how can blame me leh..hahaha..haiz~ all my photos i took b4 n after r in my hp..but canot load into my com..cuz it needs at least windows 2000..n wads mine? windows 98!! wwwooow..how nice..so i bluetooth-ed it to ms.v..n shes not online yet..haiz~ im scared..haiz~ ok..when me n ms.v stepped into the saloon..theres this shuai ge..hahaha..his a hair-dresser-to-b..he was doing this cutting n dying for this indian lady..i had to take off my specs through the whole rebonding process..so didnt bother to pay attention..when i went to pay..i realise he kept looking at me n ms.v..so weird!! so i quickly paid n pushed ms.v out of the door..n told her..n she told me he's been looking at us since we stepped in..O.o..hmm..he muz b thinking we're beauty n the beast..ms.v the beauty n me the beast..hahaha..grow hair grow!! grow faster!! ms.v gave me an idea of having my bdae at a chalet..u noe wad? i think thats not a bad idea..fri, sat n sun..how bout that? hahaha..i'll think bout it..its not a bad idea..=D..dun worrie..everyone who has access to this is invited..n also those who doesnt..depending on who..hahaha..okok..am looking foward to 3003..but im scared too..scared of the outcome..its also the first dae mr.b will get to see my hair..hmm..ok..tata for now..
~yes..i pray that u do love me too mr.b~

hAppy hAppy jOy jOy=D

hahaha..im so happpie!! mr.b called me 2dae..he sounded more happy..to me..i hope he really is..hahaha..n receiving his msg 2dae juz made me happier..hahaha..cant believe i was holding the phone smiling stupidly to myself..hahaha..but im happy..for the longest time i dun remember smiling like that..hahaha..its the little things u do that matters to me..i dun need diamonds to make me happy..hmm..im going to play badminton wif ms.v tml..n then im gonna take a shower at her hse..n moz prob go get my hair done! hahaha..

You're All I'm Thinking Of
I Praise The Lord Above For Sending Me Your Love
I Cherish Every Hug
I Really Love You
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

this is a small part of a song..a very nice song i heard when i was crying on my bed at night..on the radio..well..it doesnt matter..at least now i noe u think of me..hahaha..im such a pig these days..keep slping..hmm..its still so early..but i feel a little sleepy..hmm..ignore..hahaha..theres this pain on my neck..hmm..piano teacher v naggy 2dae..always ask me play same song everytime i go there..over n over n over again..wads more that was my xam piece..after like..so long..still play that song..i listen also sian..where got mood play nicely leh?!?! of course sound like shit la..crazy de..canot play something else meh..zhen shi de..play the whole thing..wif all the..wad u call..er..ok..the word is floating somewhere in my mind..but i duno where..doesnt matter..im happy now..dun b spoiler! hahaha..ok..i think im going to hav a bdae party..but i duno where..plz tag ur ideas in my B.E.Autiful tag board..although theres only wad..2-3 of u guys comin to visit this blog that u will havta possess loads of patience to read..hahaha..aniwaes..gimmie ur ideas!! help me out here..somewhere..cheap..hahaha..dun tell me mcdonalds..no fast food restaurants..hmm..i hav totally no idea..hey! organize a surprise party for me! =P hahaha..so sorrie..2 high 2dae..spouting nonsense..hahahaha..lalala..i'll go shower n wait for mr.b to b home..=D love mr.b 2dae..love 2dae itself..muackx to the world!
~here mr.b some kissies for u~

i noe now...

i noe wad isit u want now..money..$$$..when i sae ur aiming too high..u shld reflect u noe..b practical..u complain to me ur poor..but when money comes in..wad do u spend it on? fine..theres the food..the bills..transport..fine..think of wad u really wan..1 thing..save up for that thing..u wun always get wad u wan..get use to it..this horrible thing is called life..u'll never b happy again if u keep aiming so high..cuz u'll always feel ur poor..b satisfied wif wad u hav..ya..to u..i muz b bullshitting..cuz i duno how u feel..im not u..im not in ur situation..blah blah blah..n u tell me im not a burden to u..i'll tell u y im a burden to u..1) i dun seem to understand u..i always sian sian..make ur life so difficult for u..2) u feel as a bf u havta spend money on me..im juz wasting all ur hard earn money..3) everything u do seems to b wrong cuz i always comment about them..is this enuff? think back now..how u used to b happy..y arent u happy now? i think ur asking for too much..ps2, levi's jeans, new tops that i duno..cost quite a bit..n70, getting a licence..of course..there are things we all want..but we may not get now..or never ever get it..isit worth making urself sian n irritated everydae? since by now i think u should realise my emotions do fluctuate by ur actions..im not that happy either..i pick ur phone..n ur voice..it sounds so irritated..so sian..n then silence..i got a friggin pounding headache ytd after we got home..n i went to slp..after 3 hrs..i woke up n the headache is still there..im going to fall sick again..haiz~ aniwae..i realise im a damn boring person..i muz b..wif u looking so sian n tired when u go out wif me..i was really happy to b going out wif u..it started out fine..im so happy u hugged me in the mrt station..i really missed that a lot..haiz~ i really wan u to happy again..but if u carry on like that..i dun think u'll eva b..if ur starting to think i'll b better off without u..that will b the biggest mistake u'll eva make right bside picking up smoking..y invest in something that will kill u?? u wun die without it..its juz wasting money..its unnecessary..sure i duno wad if feels like to smoke..i duno how "good" it feels..but it doesnt solve ur probs either..it only makes them worst..look how much ur spending on it..its not as easy to quit as u think it is..its the cravings that make u wan to pick it up again..quitting means..not getting cravings..not getting tempted when u see someone else do it..haiz~ learn to b satisfied wif wad u hav..i havta learn that too..my nx aim..to save enuff to rebond my hair..that means..no new clothes..no new accessories..etc. ok..thats bout it..i'll go watch some tv..n continue slacking till i hav to go for the dreaded piano lesson..
~chill mr.b..chill~

Wadddddddddddddd???

paint my love..i can listen to this song a million times..y isit my mind canot stop thinking of things? i feel like seeking professional help..psychologist or wad..some shit that will help me..i feel like my life is being played wif..i duno..this morning..my stupid dog princess went to bite another dog on the street..n my papa ended up paying $181 worth of medical fees for the other dog..wad the hell man..y?? isnt 1 prob enuff..if my mama finds out she's going to nag..haiz~ i've got so much in me that can nv b written in words..i canot n duno how to express it at all..im still lost n confused..i duno wad to think..duno wad to feel..duno wad to do..i get frustrated so easily..upset easily..i feel so bad..so guilty..do i hav depression?? i juz wan to b happy again..i wan mr.b to b happy again too..i wan us to b happy..haiz~ seeing is believeing..i duno wad to sae..so much things..hmm..AIYAAAAAAA..i'll juz go do something else..its killing me trying to put things into words..hahaha..hmm..yeah..oOo..ytd was fun..shirley temple is a nice drink..i liike..hahaha..apple salad has too much dressing..i dun think the dressing is appropriate either..thousand island is sweet n sour..n so r green n red apples..so weird..maybb..a lighter dressing will do the trick..hahaha..aniwaes..my papa got a new car..n he keep asking me to see it but im juz not in the mood..hahaha..haiz~ ok..
~wakie wakie mr.b!! its already 1+!!~

mr.b's MINE again!! *evil luffter*

Natalie Cole - Starting Over Again

and when i hold you in my arms i promise you
you'll gonna feel the love that's beautiful and new
this time i'll love you even better
than i ever did before and you'll be in my heartforevermore..

we, we're just too young to know we fellin love and let it go
so easy to say the words goodbye
so hard to let the feelings die
i know how much i need you now
the time is turning back somehow
as soon as our hearts and soul unite
i know for sure we'll get the feeling's right

and now we're starting over again
it's not the easiest thing to do
i'm feeling inside again
coz everytime i looked at you
i know we're starting over again
this time we'll leave all the pain away
welcome home my lover and friend
coz we are starting over over again

if we never leave and love
then we might have never known
all the times we spent apart
all we did was break each other's heart
ohh..hooh..
and when i hold you in my arms i promise you
you'll gonna feel the love that's beautiful and new
this time i'll love you ever better
than i ever did before
and you'll be in my heart forever more...

and now we're starting over again
it's not the easiest thing to do
i'm feeling inside again
coz everytime i looked at you
i know we're starting over again
this time we'll leave all the pain away
welcome home my lover and friend
coz we are starting over over again
this time we'll chase all the rain away
welcome home my lover and friend
coz we are starting over over again...
we are starting over over again..

wad am i doing online early in the morning? well..my mama came into my room to cane my little bro..cuz he hasnt been brushing his teeth for like..weeks..as MY mr.b noes..i hate the sound of ppl getting caned..hate it..so horrible..aniwae..then my papa scolded him..outside my room..how am i suppose to slp?! so i decided to get up..mayb i was too excited? too happy?! i need to tell the world..mr.b is MINE again!! muahahaha..we patched eeeeeearly during midnight..12+am..mr.b's been a naughty boy..his been smoking since b4 poly started..i cant believe it..haiz~ but at least he told me..i'll b there to support u mr.b!! muz quit k?? after we put down the phone ytd nite..i myself tot of trying out smoking..i really wanna noe wad it feels like..wad makes it so difficult to stop continuing wif it..hahaha....hahaha..i still cant believe it..although i always sae u got ah beng face..i canot picture u smoking..hmm..i love u mr.b!! miss u calling me darzy..n miss calling u baozy..it has always been at the tip of my tongue..but canot sae..but now can le..hahaha!!for those who noe me n mr.b..mr.b's nick contain(ed) B for Botak B for Bingkeng B for Bastard..i'll havta correct this..mr.b's B..stands for BAOZY..ok..never knew he would think it stood for so many things..hahaha..mr.b asked me out this sundae..ALL'S WELL AGAIN! (my fav drink back when i was working in popular..the brand allswell..hahaha! inside joke..mr.b will noe..=D) mayb we'll watch a movie..or mayb i'll juz wanna hug him all day long..it was truely difficult to see him but not touch him..not hold his hand..not hug him..not kiss him..believe me..i've gone through that..hahaha..stupid com!! dumb piece of shit..juz lovves to restart itself..how idiotic..aniwae..hmph! i'll not let u destroy my mood u rotten piece of metal!! im happy! =D AHH..no!!! i heard the radio..kevin from american idol is out!! noooo...haiz~ chicken little of the show..hmm..nvm..i still got my mr.b! =P
~kissie n huggie MY mr.b!! love u love u love u!!~

Why?!

i find myself waiting for u to call!!! why is that?!?! haiz~ i dun accept changes v well do i..haha..haiz~ so many thoughts r bout u..i wonder a lot bout u..wad ur doing..n ya! i find myself waiting for u to come online too!! why?? its like a waiting game..when u come online..i dun seem to hav anithing to sae to u..mayb its juz the presence..i duno..mayb it makes me feel comfortable..am i seeking comfort in ur presence?? oh myy..why..doesnt all these seem familiar? yeah..its juz too familiar..b4 we started out till after we started out..this game has nv ended..why..

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

lyrics again..im juz bored.....hmm..the song juz played in my winamp..it juz happened to play..haha..hmm..haiz~ lalala..haiz~ ok..i'll come back again when im bored..

~the waiting game mr.b~

V EARLY bdae prezzies!

oO..juz received 2 prezzies from my papa n mama..an o2 watch..? oxygen brand watch? n gold plated earrings..apparently..my papa forgot he bought the earrings for my mama n bought it again..hence..pops the xtra one..so..it bcame my prezzie! hahaha..hilarious..hmm..i went to read the chat logs..its aWwwW! sooo super sweet..during the start of a relationship..things r the sweetest..u die to see each other every single time of the dae..n u can nv get enuff of each other..hahaha..those were the times..muz treasure..hahaha..so much memories! absolutely sweet..hahaha..ok..thats enuff fer now..hahaha =D
~ur sweeeeeeet..delicious.....absolutely loveable...KISSES~

Ytd..n 2dae

there was suppose to b a post ytd..but my com was no cooperative..well..i was in the worst of mood ytd..i meet up wif mr.b..we talked..i mean..he did most of the talking since he should already noe wad im thinking bout cuz his the first one wif the access to my blog..as i've said i really wanted to keep it confidential but i could not stand it animore..so yes..we sat down to talk bout it..i choke back my tears a lot of times..n at first i tot i really managed really well..i didnt drop a single tear even though they were flooding in my eyes..haha..i agree that things wouldnt b the same even if we got together again..at least not for now..but theres hope as long as theres tomorrow..mthen comes the part when he told me he picked up smoking..oh mr.b..im so hoping u said dat juz to push me away..but if u think it would make me give u up now..im sorrie to sae u've failed..isnt it obvious..its a threat..how can u love someone n juz hate the person straight away cuz his doing something u really hate really dislike really anti about? yes i really hurts..really really hurts..i cant help but burst into tears..literally..i cant keep it back animore..thats like the extreme or something..my breaking point..my papa n mama knew exactly wad i was doing although they're actually the last ppl on earth i wan to tell this thing to..but u noe..they live wif me..they can pratically see through me..haha..the desperation inside me was seeping through..so mayb it was too obvious..so they asked me..i couldnt lie..i duno y..im a girl..i need to speak to someone..i cant keep it inside..not forever..so well..i told them wad happened to me n mr.b..my mama wasnt surprised..she said no wonder mr.b doesnt come by animore..she said it mayb a good thing..i can settle down n study properly..gosh..i wonder wads the diff..mayb..juz mayb i didnt need to think of how to keep our relationship alive animore..but thinking back n looking around me..everything can remind me of mr.b..is there a remedy for stopping me from feeling like i havta cry every second? i went thomson plaza 2dae to hav lunch wif my mama n didi..they were late so i walked around popular..i look at all the books..n picked up some bks n looked through the contents..n flipped a few pages of other bks..n i realised..i see the words but im not looking at it..its like i noe i want to read..but the words didnt seem to make sense..haha..probably too many things going through my mind..all along theres music playing in the background..jay chou's hei se mao yi..then some i duno wad song..THEN..my gosh..wang li hom's kiss goodbye..its juz like i turned on the water system in my eyes..its difficult to hold back my tears sometimes..haiz~..i stayed through the song..cuz i was the last song he sang out..through the phone..n the last song i tab for him..n played on the piano for him..its not complete cuz i was really sian at that time..n i listened to the lyrics n realised it felt like i had a warning b4 this happened..its like the song told me something..i stopped tearing somewhere in the middle..my eyes were already swollen..im so tired..then during lunch..our song played in the restaurant..our song! paint my love..i still remembered..that was the first time i sang to a guy..n it was b4 we went steady..the night b4 we went steady..haiz~ ok..then ytd nite..my papa..he comforted me n said i havta b strong..he said his daughter is strong..im really touched..he juz sorta let me b..he watched the tv wif me..talked to me..told me to take it easy..he said i dont look bad..haha..meaning theres someone else out there who wants me?!?! nah..plz..haha..at least i felt someone cared at the point of time..haha..am i feeling better now? i guess..after i reached home ytd..i sat at my table n cried so hard..wasted so many tissue paper..haha..i gathered so many things i wanted to return to mr.b..esp the rings..one was broken..still wearable..but its broken..like our relationship..like my heart..i couldnt look at the rings ani longer..so i kept it in a box..wif the other things i wan to give back to mr.b..im really wondering bout the rings..i duno wad to do bout them..keep..or return..aniwaes..mr.b's bdae is coming..b4 we split up..i tot so hard bout wad to do for his bdae..but now..i dun think he wans to spend it wif me aniwaes..i even told miss.v..i wanted to bring him to tony rama's at suntec..for lunch..cuz i noe he would hav plans for later on..dun worrie..the present i searched high n low for..i'll still give it to him..along wif stuff i want to return to him..i dun think the present would mean a lot to him..but it certainly meant a lot to me..i wanted it to represent the no. of years we were 2gether..i'll see wad to do nx yr..to continue giving him that? or not..i dun understand y 2 person who loves each other is not 2gether even though they can b 2gether..haiz~..now..to ppl out there who insists im not fat..heres a fact..i weigh 52kg..n im only 160cm tall..not fat?! dun lie..i noe im fat..its ok..dun need to make me feel better..cuz these daes i keep seeking comfort in comfort foods..loads of chocolate coated digestives cookies..icecream..my chocolate coated brandied cherries..deliciousss..n icecreams..i finished half a tub of ben n jerry's the last time i was upset..haha..n at our second last chalet 2gether..i finished almost the whole tub of it..haha..that was..i duno..juz enjoying wad i was doing..wif him by my side..how bout 2dae? theres still half a small tub of ben n jerry's icecream in the fridge..i've been trying to keep away from the icecream cuz of my cough..but i dun bother animore..mayb i'll start chomping away on comfort foods later..haha..i've got really funky messy nails now..haha..cuz me n miss.v played with nail polish ytd..n the dae b4..we were testing out the colours..haha..sadly my stupid com is only a windows 98..meaning i canot upload the pics i took wif my hp..if not my nails would b on show..haha..hmm..my fingers feel so naked..i've been wearing the rings 24hrs a dae everydae ever since he give it to me..its been almost a yr..n taking it down makes my fingers feel naked..haha..so weird..aniwae..i've typed too much..i'll go play some games now..to continue to waste my life away..
~am missing the times wif u~

Nice song..old..but nice=)

i found a song..quite an old song..but it has lyrics that somehow juz fits my feelings..but its written from a guy to a girl..so to me..obviously its the other way round..haha..i bet many hav heard this song..its really nice..=)

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And Im praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
I know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it,
I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

1 is the loneliest number

dear mr.b now that u've decided to breakup wif me..i guess there r things i wanna tell u..i really love u n i wish we could go back to what we had..wad we were..b4 the change..u told me to open up to u..but its not dat i didnt..its juz dat i've said the things i wan to sae many times already..i cant take the change in u..the change so sudden which u TOT i wanted..but no..NO..i've said it many times already..its not wad i wanted..but what i wan now is not important animore..n i believe u've heard of once bitten twice shy..the things i said to u about not wanting u to sms n call me all the time..this change was wad i got..so sudden..so extreme..wad if i told u something else..n another big change comes? everyone has their breaking point..i can only take so much..mayb im juz weak..but at the times when i need u the most..u were not there for me..i was so stressed up during the stupid xams..n all i could think of is u..i always wanted to talk to u..but all ur msgs were so short..remember when i said i wanted to date u out? ur reply was "haha..k" i expected a lot more than that..something like sure! or something sweet u always use to manage to sae..it would make my dae..it really would..each time u called..i jumped up to pick up ur call..but its always so short.."wad u doing? ok later sms me"..if u'd think back..its only about a month since ur change..ask urself..during this time..lets b fair..AFTER u knew it was not wad i wanted..did u support me when i could not cope with this change? yes u knew i was upset..but u got angry when i talked bout this again..u got pissed off..did u give me sufficient time to change? do u think its fair to me? if u wanted an immediate change from me..im sorrie..i canot do it..i cant accept something juz like that..since before my xams..i was wishing we could spend more time 2gether..yes i wanted to go out wif my frens n cousins..doesnt mean i didnt wan to go out wif u..but everytime i asked u out..its almost always "i dun feel like going out"..u promised to go shopping wif me..but then?!?! hav we gone out even once? a decent outing juz the 2 of us? u've always ask me what i wanted..u always ask me to open up..how bout u? dont u hav anithing to sae? now i wan to noe what isit u want..wad kind of person u wan me to b..ok..i typed a lot of things juz now..but i got cut off here..cuz my stupid com restarted itself again..im juz so lost n confused without u..i'll continue to update this blog..with things i wan to sae..if i hav things to sae..u're the only one wif access cuz ur the only one that noes..its juz dat..i canot bear to meet u..n not b able to hold ur hand..hug u or kiss u..sometimes when we did go out the past few mnths..i'll trail bhind u..juz cuz i was waiting for u to turn back n hold my hand..but u didnt..u used to give me hugs out of nowhere..but sometimes when i hug u..i dun feel u hugging back animore..there used to b so much expectations from u..but everytime..i got back so much disappointments..i believe theres still something btwn us..we juz havta work it out..mayb we should go out 2gether sometime..sit down n talk bout what u wan..n what u dont wan..vice versa..i'll b lookin forward to that..
=) cheers mr.b

No more old mr.b

dear mr.b, i've been tellin myself not to cry over u again. but i cant help it. there times i can stop myself from thinking back..but there are more times when i juz cant..those memories of myself smiling cuz u sent a sweet msg to me..sweet things u do for me..times when u were willing to go the xtra mile for me..it sounds like im all bout me..but no..i cry when i think of u smiling happily..laughing..cuz i've not seen u smiling happily to me for a long long time..when ur out wif ur frens n stuff..through the phone i can hear u luffing..so it muz b really boring wif me..i dun even remember the last time u luff like that wif me..theres like nothing to sae btwn us animore..when we talk on the phone at night..its always slience..till one of us feels sleepy..wad has become of us??? if only that fight didnt occur..it juz turned everything upside down..everything seemed awkward after that..like we're strangers..there used to b many msgs bout u missing me n loving me..but now? most of ur replies r "haha..k..later den sms me" i cant help but feel im not important animore..like u dun care..the prob is..i cant stand being last in ur heart when i used to b first..falling so fast..falling so hard..yes im a bad loser..i cant believe after so much i've tried to put into this im falling..u used to care! really care..i use to feel that u really love me..but now..every now n then i hav doubts..i juz cant accept the change in u..so sudden..if thats ur definition of "grown up" i guess the ppl that thought u that..should die in hell..going out wif ur frens is fine wif me..but juz cuz u can manage to put me aside now to go out wif ur frens..they label u as "grown up"..plz..thats juz so wrong..stupid ppl sae stupid things..so u wan to listen to other ppl's comments bout us?? if only i knew this would happen during my xams..i would hav planned to go somewhere..overseas..some shit..getaway during my hols..cuz now im stuck at home..all alone..watching the damn tv..dvds..vcds..n ppl keep asking me what will i b doing the nx day..i hav NO idea!! im lost..i duno wad to do..its so difficult to get by one dae..so dun ask me the nx..i would love to thank ms.v, ms.s, ms.c,mr.r,mr.t n fellow cousins for accompanying me through this suicidal period..hahaha..im much better now..thanx for ur concerns..without u guys..i may hav been half dead by now..'niways..haiz~ ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT..muz accept..i muz sae this..u said u still love me..but now..they only feel like words to me..theres not much feeeling animore..u said i shld b happier cuz i got to go out wif my frens..look around me..im pathetic..i dun hav much frens..unlike u..ur frens seem to b free all the time..all ur bros..ur colleagues..my frens hav their own lives..they hav jobs..they hav things to do..ppl to go out wif..i dont..now im wasting my life away..sitting doing nothing almost the whole dae..mayb thats the reason y i started this in the first place..cuz i needed someone to talk to..i need to sae what im feeling..n also..to take up my time..my life is a mess..its so boring..shittified..without me in this world wun make ani difference..im juz depleting the earth's resources faster..its 10.50am! this mth is the only mth we didnt spend the 9th 2gether..but i noe..its not going to b the only one..cuz im not important animore..i bet u'll live even better without me..im juz a burden to u..no? i'd rather u tell me the truth..mayb u dun love me animore..mayb u found the love of ur life somewhere else..mayb now u really hate me cuz my emotions fluctuate by ur every action..juz tell me..im living in a world of zero expectations from u now..juz tell me n i'll let u go..dun keep me thinking u still love me when u dont..haiz~ i hate myself from tellin u wad i felt..i shld hav expected u to change this way..no..actually i didnt..i juz hope u'll give me time wif my frens..instead of hearing u so sian when i tell u im going out wif my frens or cousins..i didnt xpect u to bcome so cold..n ignorant at times..haiz~ what im sayin now wun change anithing would it..ok..i'll juz get some breakfast now..n sit here continue doing i duno what..to past my time..great! im going out wif ms.v 2dae..n getting my new hp later at nite..i'll pass my new no. to u..that is if i hav one..which i doubt so..hahaha..i wan a new no. for fun..okok..thats it..mayb i'll come back at nite to post something else..or mayb i'll b to obsessed wif my new phone..hahaha..i love u mr.b..hope u love me too..*muamuackx!*
~luv ya n miss ya mr.b~

It's a start!

well, this is new to me..hmm..shall juz leave it plain till i figure out wad i can do to it..its the hols..n yeah..one of the worst..boring..tears..blood..scars..pain..boring..cough..sneeze..headache..movies..tv..computer..
music..book..a little shopping here n there..hmm..bored to tears..so start this thing for fun..i may even abandon this one day..hahaha..its friggin raining out there now..n i havta go for piano lessons later..im a proud owner of a distinction in grade 8 piano xams..looking forward to see my cert! there r its pros n cons though..im starting to slack totally..ignoring my piano for as long as i can remember..but hopefully i can manage to carve out a career path out of this..as a backup..but i dun mind teaching anione now..for hmm..a little extra pocket money..i wun charge much..hahaha..wad am i gonna do bout my stupid hair? rebond? highlight? cutting is definitely not the solution..haiz~ i juz duno wad i want animore..i really hate myself for so many things i've done to bring pain into ppl's lives which then reflects into my own..esp mr.b..im gonna keep things confidential till i cant stand it animore or till i can make this site pretty..hahaha..even thought i can see bits of my personality in this post here n there..i wonder who will b the first to figure out its me? wellz..its pretty easy..hahaha..ah..where was i..wow..talkin bout hair can bring me into depression..shall stop that..sorry mr.b..me here really loves u..but i figured ur like a kite u see..the string's broken..n ur off to see the world.."grown up" the way u call it..if u decide to land in someone else's hands..i'll b fine wif that..1 person happy better than 2 person sad..as much as i hope for u to land in my hands..i wan u to b ur old self sometimes..not asking u to change again..its a mistake from the start..n i noe it now..so i'll juz accept u as u are..u'll always b fantabulous to me now..love ur gd n ur bad..o! im totally getting a new phone tml! mayb im goin out too..yepz..will post somemore when im bored..hahaha..thank god..this com is not totally useless..at least i gotta recover this post b4 it got published..to think it noes how to restart itself out of nowhere! such a SMART thing to do..*applause*
~kissie mr.b~